People Can't Even Poop Without Social Media Anymore

According to the latest report, 40 percent of people 18 to 24 are whiling away their bathroom hours on various social media platforms. Guess that explains the reported rate of smartphone fecal matter contamination!

That’s according to the AP, which fished the tidbit out of the latest Nielsen report on TV viewing habits. As anyone who’s ever bellowed NO SPOILERS in the middle of a crowded bar already knows, Americans are increasingly watching their stories on their own schedule. In 2013, people watched two more hours of TV outside of its schedule air time, bringing the time-shifted total to 13 hours a month. However, folks are still watching, on average, 134 hours of live TV. (Jesus.)

Back to bathroom business. Please note that the 40 percent figure accounts for social media use only. A 2012 survey found that 75 percent of Americans admitted to using their smartphones on the crapper for something, be it texting or Internet browsing. Also, pretty sure toilet time is a big part of the runaway success of Candy Crush.

However, it’s extra special knowing that a relatively high rate of subtweets and hate-favs are likely the work of people pooping.

Important addendum: If you’re holding up the line for the office bathroom in order to finish your political arguments on Facebook, know that you are a jerk. Some of us have gotta go, okay?