People Are Living Too Long For L.L. Bean

L.L. Bean has announced that they are overhauling their lifetime guarantee return policy, because people have been abusing the honor system. This is why we can’t have nice things.

The Press Herald reports that the company believes people have completely misinterpreted the return policy, which basically allowed anyone with an L.L. Bean item to replace it over and over again for as long as they had the strength to do so. One foot in the grave, the other in a fresh L.L. Bean boot! Well, you weren’t supposed to take advantage, assbutts:

“What we have seen, and it has come to the point where we had to act upon it, is a small but growing group of customers who are interpreting the guarantee as a lifetime product replacement program, and that was never its intent,” L.L. Bean President and CEO Stephen Smith said Wednesday in an interview.

Smith says the new policy makes it clear that people can no longer return items that have simply been worn down through use, nor random L.L. Bean stuff they buy at the Goodwill (this is genius, why wasn’t I doing it?), nor things their large adult kids grow out of. You now have 12 months to return items after purchase or if you discover some factory defect. So, get imaginative with what can be described as a defect. The zipper is too shiny? I get hot when I wear the sweater inside?

As usual, the root of the problem is social media. The lenient policy has been widely advertised amongst grifters online and in the past few years there has been a 15 percent increase in returns. It has gotten so bad that the cost of return replacements completely “eclipsed total annual revenue from sales of the company’s flagship Bean boots.” The Bean boots…my god.

Things have also changed in the shipping department; no more free shipping for every hat and sock. You gotta spend at least $50 or pony up $6 bucks for that box. We’ve derailed the gravy chain with our grasping childish love of deals. Look down at the L.L. Bean boots you’re wearing now—they’re the last pair you’ll ever wear unless you go through the living nightmare of paying for another.