Jezebel: Paul Janka

The Taxonomy Of Proud Assholes

Sadie Stein — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 13:40:00 EDT

There have always been dicks, douchebags and asses. But it's only in our time that the pursuit of assholery has become not just acceptable but a quality — nay, a full-time job to which individuals strive. Will it ever end? More »

Match "Rich Guys & Hot Girls" Matchmaker Jeremy Abelson With His Offensive Quotes!

Moe — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 13:00:00 EDT

Meet Jeremy Abelson! We met him thanks to the ever-life-affirming Page Six Magazine. (Thanks to also-affirming P6M contributor Josh Stein!) If "Crap Email From A Dude" generally serves to remind you why you made that pledge never to date another bartender/bike messenger/Sad Aging Literary Man, the role of such Douche Du Jour types as Paul Janka and Mike Cherico and John Fitzgerald Page and now Jeremy Abelson — the 28-year-old promoter behind that Fashion Meets Finance party — is to forgive you for relapsing with that unemployed two-timing performance poet or whatever because oh, my God, it gets so much fucking worse when you start dabbling in the sort of dudes who control assets more valuable than their record collections. More »

This Week We Loved Our Moms, Our Undies, Ourselves

Jessica G. — Fri, 09 May 2008 18:20:00 EDT

We agreed we would lie to our kids about our debauched pasts. There will be fewer than eighteen of them, trust.

LOLAudience: Paul Janka & John Fitzgerald Page On Dr. Phil

Tracie Egan Morrissey — Thu, 08 May 2008 15:30:00 EDT

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Yesterday, two notable specimens of boy-foe material, Paul Janka and John Fitzgerald Page, appeared on Dr. Phil to let talk about their big egos in front of a female-only audience. The audience reactions were so priceless — lots of disgust and appalled laughter — that today, one of you asked us to give the images the LOL treatment, an "offer" we couldn't refuse. The results, after the jump. More »

Paul Janka, John Fitzgerald Page Try To Out-Douche Each Other On Dr. Phil

Tracie Egan Morrissey — Wed, 07 May 2008 19:00:00 EDT

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"Casanova Caveman" Paul Janka and "The Worst Person in the World" John Fitzgerald Page both appeared on Dr. Phil today for a show about men with huge egos. I, for one, would be shocked if either of these 'bags get laid anytime soon — if ever again — because they just let millions of women know just what giant tools they are. Here's the thing: It's not necessarily bad that Janka just wants to get laid, or that Page wants to date a "certain caliber" of women. It's the way they go about it that sucks. Dr. Phil caught Page — a man who complains about the lack of honesty women exhibit in online dating — in a lie about his age. And Janka's whole being is a huge front. The fact that he views sexual relationships as a game, in which he wins (which I guess makes the women he sleeps with the losers?), is insulting. Plus, he admits to eating Clif bars for "player power." Clip above, and after the jump, some priceless audience reaction shots. More »

Coming Up On Dr. Phil: Paul Janka, Caveman Casanova

Tracie Egan Morrissey — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 19:00:00 EDT

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Dr. Phil has been running commercials for all-new, jaw-dropping episodes coming up in May, and guess who is among the guests? Paul Janka. In a brief 30-second spot, we learn that, while in the Dr. Phil studio, he hit on the show's staff, and that he continues to embrace his inner Neanderthal. "I invoke the idea of a caveman. I take charge and the women like it," he says. Ha! What a douche! After the jump, check out the audience's reactions to his ridiculousness. More »

This Week We Dealt With A Load Of Crap

Jessica G. — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 18:20:00 EDT

Slut Machine took one for the team and Intern Betty filmed her getting a colonic. Crappy hour indeed.

Proud Player Paul Janka Talks About Sluts On Tyra

Tracie Egan Morrissey — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 11:00:00 EDT

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Yesterday's Tyra was all about "true confessions of the male mind," and Tyra stacked the audience with dudes, including our (least) favorite confirmed bachelor Paul Janka. (You know, the guy who didn't date-rape Moe.) First, Janka talked about how sexual double standards are "earned" because it's difficult to be a player but easy to be a slut. (As a slut, I can tell you, it ain't easy being easy. But that's a whole 'nother post.) And when the men in the audience were asked to rise or stay seated in response to a question about men preferring Brazilian waxes on women, Janka, interestingly, stayed seated. Clip above. More »

V.S. Naipaul Is Worse Than Mike Cherico And John Fitzgerald Page And Also Norman Mailer

Moe — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 15:30:00 EDT

Comrades, there's a new Douche Du Jour in service for your virtual lashings and denunciations: novelist and Nobel laureate V.S. Naipaul! (Just call him "Naipaul Janka"!) Okay, so if you knew who V.S. Naipaul was, you knew he was a jerk. He's an unapologetic racist who fucked whores, beat his mistress, and never gave an interview that didn't convey his giddy, almost-glorious overabundance of self-esteem - remember what Roseanne said about self-esteem? — and is currently in his eighth decade of perfecting his specific brand of hysterical awfulness. Famous writer Paul Theroux had a falling-out with him and wrote a memoir about his condonement of slavery and such. But now comes the (authorized!) biography, in which even he admits his bragging about the whorefucking played a part in killing his first wife Pat — who forewent chemotherapy so as not to be a "nuisance," after which he sold her diaries, without reading them. Can it get worse? Paul Theroux has a lot to share with the class! More »

"I Am A Law School Girl (Snatch, Gunch, Clam, Whisker Biscuit — Pick Your Subject Synonym)..."

Moe — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 12:30:00 EST

"This accounts for some 80% of the gunch at law school," claims a University of Florida law student who goes by the name of Benjamin Straight, before cutting and pasting a charming essay he's composed about a sort of tragic character that, depending upon your point of view, describes either the average "law school girl" or the inner monologue of the average late-onset misogynist, in all its sheeeeeer unbridled lunacy. Straight — I can't find him in the campus directory but, according to a Jezebel tipster, he's a second-year with a wife and kids, because there if there's anything we can learn from lawyers there's no justice in this world — has a fledgling blog over at the URL BigDaddyThunder and, it would seem, something resembling contempt for his fellow human beings, because he has also dedicated an essay to a short, balding, unshaven hair product-abusing Miami character he calls "Law School Guy." More »

Meet David Colby, The World's Most Unlikely Casanova

Moe — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 16:20:37 EST

That's right ladies, check him out. You thought Janka was bad? Until recently David Colby was pimpin all over the continental USA, "carrying on" with more than 30 women and proposing to at least twelve of them in the space of two years, promising them houses and boob jobs and whatever it took get them to share in the joy of herpes and chlamydia. When one woman found out he wasn't, as he'd told her, actually divorced, he gave her a hundred grand just to make her feel more secure. He did that a lot: giving women guarantees against his infidelities; he promised one a house, and another — a single mom — surgery for her kid. How'd he handle it all? By being the CEO of a huge and richly lucrative insurance company! When he wanted to drop a lady, he just "went back on his word with all the compassion of a health insurance company denying a claim." Like when the single mom got pregnant, he simply texted her: "ABORT!!" More »

You don't have to say it: Paul knew you'd...

Moe — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 17:43:30 EST

You don't have to say it: Paul knew you'd been missing him. That's why he put himself up for sale at this exclusive speed-dating site. Now you too can, for a small fee, have what special bloggers get free: a date with the Iron Chef of date rape. Don't think eight minutes is long enough to get properly molested? Think again. [PocketChange] More »

This Week Everyone Got Weaves & Got Knocked Up

Jessica — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 18:30:00 EST

It goes without saying that the biggest news of the week was Jamie Lynn Spears' underage spermination.

Why Would Someone Like MSNBC's Flavia Colgan Let Paul Janka Molest Her?

Moe — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 16:00:00 EST

A tipster tells us Paul Janka used to "date" Flavia Colgan, a leggy lefty MSNBC pundit who is yet another about-to-be-former veteran of the Famous For Philadelphia Society. I have met Flavia a few times and can attest to the fact that she is very pretty and thin and quite possibly even intelligent; she did go to Harvard, after alls. But apparently it was Janka who wasn't as interested! She was just his flavia of the month. Why would such a dignified young woman subject herself to Janka's bumpkin-y ways? I consulted her Wikipedia entry. More »

Why I Let Paul Janka Molest Me

Moe — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 15:40:35 EST

Oh good grief, okay. Maybe this is a defense mechanism, but I found the notion that a dude like Paul Janka would spend so much time relentlessly pawing a woman who gave him zero positive vibes while just as relentlessly slapping him off to be really fucking amusing, and I'm not going to lie to you, I laughed a little. I try to keep a straight face during interviews, but there were times he would, like, sort of attack me, like we were playing hide-and-go-seek, and when I demonstrated the move last night on Anna, she HOWLED with laughter. Okay, so maybe the laughing could be construed as LEADING HIM ON, which may be why I found myself having to say to him, "Listen, you have to understand, I'm laughing because this whole thing is absurd to me, okay?" And besides, if you can't laugh about being date raped, what can you laugh about? (Haha JOKE for all you armblog psychiatrists out there!) So, now to the LARGER "why" — why go at all? Why give the guy any more attention? Just cause I'm a whore for the page views? More »

Paul Janka Did Not Date Rape Me Last Night

Moe — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 14:30:00 EST

Click to viewI went on a "date" with self-professed "Casanova" Paul Janka last night. Or well, I went to his apartment. He sniffed my feet. He showed me his bunk bed. It was more like a "play date" actually, only with a dog in heat. It was kind of fun! But not as fun as telling people about it after I narrowly escaped. More »

Who Is Worse? Paul Janka Or Mitt Romney?

Moe — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 12:00:53 EST

I'm revising my policy on Paul Janka. When I saw him on the Today show the other day I thought he was merely the latest incarnation of a stock character, a product of current society's insatiable need to have a new unabashed asshole - douche jour — to crucify publicly for all the sins committed by the sundry assholes in our past. Oh, but there is something very special about him, as we begin to see from some Radar procured excerpts of his book proposal:

Tell the bartender how it is— she works for you for the two hours or so you'll be there. I tell them I don't drink but that I am meeting a lady, and that I don't want her to feel uncomfortable so could they please bring me seltzer waters, in a high-ball glass, with a lime. And call it a Tom Collins. Or a Gin and Tonic if you prefer. Never leave your drink, and don't let the girl sip it— she will freak out, I guarantee you. If you go to the bathroom, take it with you.

Strategic! So anyway, here's where it gets interesting. Doesn't he kind of remind you of Mitt Romney? The spookily war-ravaged looking eyes, the strong jawline, the Harvard degree, the obsession with data, the suspicious teetotaling. More »

"Casanova" Paul Janka (Maybe) Admits He's Damaged Goods

Slut Machine — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 15:00:00 EST

Meet Paul Janka! He Likes To Keep His Dates On The Liquid Diet...

Moe — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 12:30:00 EST

Today the Today Show crowned America's Next Top Douchebag, and he's a Harvard-educated SAT tutor. He wrote something called How To Get Laid In New York, and apparently his big secret is that he never takes girls out to dinner, because he doesn't like having to converse that much to attain that which he used Microsoft Excel to prove he has a much higher chance of getting if he just buys her a bunch of liquor. Can you tell I have zero rations from the day's outrage supply for this guy? He's just stating the obvious, while wearing some distractingly hiked-up khakis. Anyway, most of the dudes I know who employ his rules are guys I would actually have sex with. A few of them know how to use Excel, too, and some of them might even use it jokingly to prove a point about dating or the sexes or something. More »