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On Monday afternoon, Page Six published a story about a recent performance of Sunset Boulevard (the Andrew Lloyd Webber revival currently on Broadway) after which its star, six-time Oscar nominee Glenn Close, took to the stage to auction off some props from that night’s show: her glasses and fake eyelashes. The winning bidder was a man named Adam, who paid $5,000 for the lot.

“Man pays $5K for Glenn Close’s glasses and fake lashes,” Page Six’s headline shrieks, as though there’s something remotely notable that someone would pay a lot of money (all of which will go to Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS) for items that were once used by the legendary Oscar nominee.

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What’s next, huh? Headlines like “Man collapses after Jessica Chastain asks him for directions to the 1 train”? “Woman gives Viola Davis a kidney for no reason”? “Man looks at Rihanna, dies”? These stories aren’t news, Page Six. They’re merely the facts of life.