Fellow mortals, I have come across what can only be described as the Finnegan’s Wake of our time, and it is Beyoncé fan fiction.

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Or rather, what I really mean to say is this— much like many a James Joyce critic once thought, I too have no idea what the hell I just read. Can we start a book club about this now?

You see, I used to think the best Beyoncé fan fiction was this:

But I was so very, very wrong, because “The Lemons,” the aforementioned Bey fan fiction which was published on a WordPress blog earlier today, has now usurped it.

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Observe where we lay our scene in this scripted drama. Ostensibly, we’re introduced to Beyoncé and Jay Z chatting amiably about the release of Lemonade in their home.

“Bey: Do you like it

Jay: Its magnificent. You’ve really out done yourself. Wh-”

It goes downhill from there.

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“Bey: Fuck you

Bey: My fans are going to tear you apart lol

Jay: lo-

Bey: Don’t fucking laugh

Bey: I’m going to forgive you in my HBO music video”

More or less accurate so far, I’d say.

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“Bey: Every time you cheat I’m gonna do this

Jay: Write an album?

Bey: Start a movement”

After a few jokes that allude to the recent controversy surrounding “Becky with the good hair,” Queen Bey then informs Jay Z that they will be hosting a dinner party whose guests include Solange, Tina Knowles Lawson, Ava Duvernay, and Taraji P. Henson. (By “a dinner party,” I actually mean to say “the dinner party of my wildest dreams.”) When the guests arrive, their doorbell also rings the tune to “Crazy in Love,” which is everything right in this world.

Not to expose tiny Blue Ivy to her regally righteous rage, Beyoncé then asks her daughter to excuse herself to play, which then obviously becomes a thematic digression on the juxtaposition between alienation, the modern condition, and technology:

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“Bey: Baby, take your elevator to your playroom. Mommy will FaceTime you on your IPhone 8 when dinners ready.

Blue: Yes, mommy dearest.”

What ensues is a lot of dinner conversation, which I will highlight below.

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You have the usual dinner party salutations:

“Solo: Rihanna called me to congratulate you.

Bey: She couldn’t call me?

Solo: Because you were gonna answer?

Bey: hahahahahahahahahaha

Solo: hahahahahahahahahaha”

Here’s an honorary Prince mention, which happens right after rapper J. Cole drops by, because why not:

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“Solo: So Prince is telling me how awesome I would’ve been in the 80s and all I’m thinking is ‘if I swing my arm straight, I’ma go right over his head’ lmao

Cole: lmao man its like the time I met him. I walked up and told him how inspiring he is and he was like ‘do I know you or are you trying to accept Jéhovah, what’s good’. I was laughing so hard that he walked away from me. I never saw him ag-

Ava: You adorable as fuck”

Here’s an episode of Empire I’d be very much into watching, as well as excellent advice for what Fox should do with their general programming:

“Taraji: [...] Lee [Daniels] saw lemonade and now he’s writing a storyline where Jamal makes a visual album called sweet tea.

Bey: I will buy Fox and make every show a documentary about West Africa if that happens in front of me”

After some banter, Jay Z tries to secretly slip out at one point, but his Uber driver—and Solange—knows what’s up:

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“*Before Jay could close the door [to the Uber car] all the way, Solange pulls him out of the car like CJ in San Andreas when you work out all the time and he gets all buff*

Uber Guy: Ho boy, this is because of lemonade isn’t it

Uber Guy: I didn’t know you didn’t have permission to ride Uber today

Uber Guy: Shit, is she gonna be mad

Solo: No. You knew no better.

Uber Guy: Thank Go-… Thank your sister.

[...]

*Solange drags Jay back into the mansion, throwing him before her sister. He flops to the ground like a defeated fish, gazing yonder*”

After some cameos by Kanye, almost the entire Kardashian clan (plus Tyga, who is not allowed to speak unless Bey deems it so), and an actual fist fight in which Queen Bey calls the blood of Jay Z “fuckboy fuel,” we have a randomly resurrected Prince, just stopping back for a quick visit from his new planet and dropping by to say hello:

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“Prince: No thanks. Hello, Carter family.

Jay and Bey: Hello

Taraji: Hey, Prince, I haven’t seen you si- Wait WAIT

Ava: NO

Solo: THE FUCK

Mama T: SHIT

Prince: Ima just take my food back in since y’all having a cussing contest

You: Oh wow”

Note how both Bey and Jay are completely nonplussed.

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Can you all please read this fan fiction in its entirety—which, by the way, will be continued in another installment—so I can be sure I’m not having some sort of psychotic break caused by listening to too much “Formation” on repeat? Thanks in advance!


Contact the author at jamie.reich@jezebel.com.

Image via screengrab.