In today’s news, the Greek financial crisis continues to spiral, wildfires are burning across Alaska, and, oh yeah, Vanderpump Rules’ Katie Maloney and Tom “Schwartz” Schwartz are FINALLY ENGAGED. No big deal!!!!!!!!!!!!

Katie and Tom are the only Katie and Tom who have ever mattered, sorry Suri!!!! They have been a pretty big part of my life for several years now, from the time he poured a beer over her head to the time she motorboated some guys’ dick at the club to the time he gave her a NON-engagement ring on necklace chain at a wedding and she cried and cried and cried.

Advertisement

So I am incredibly pleased and honored to announce that finally, after three seasons of heated negotiations, several references to her 30th birthday, some light cheating, and approximately three ultimatums, Katie has finally achieved commitment. AHHHHH!!!!

Tom Sandoval is so happy for them!!!!

Scheana Shay is so happy for them!!!!

(But her ring is bigger!!!!!)

And let’s take a look at that RING, by the way!!!!!!

Not my thing but I’m not the one getting MARRIED, Katie and Tom are!!!!!

MONOGAMY FOREVER!!!!!!!


Contact the author at ellie@jezebel.com.