Image via April Fool’s Day, the movie

On April 1 of 2016, the staffs of Jezebel and Deadspin swapped sites for the day, and the results were immensely satisfying. We learned about a Man Achieving Adequacy, and about another man who uses hand soap to wash his face. We discussed the mutants who stand up to wipe their asses; we heard some opinions on Ryan Gosling and Rudy and Samoyeds and cigars. Fun times!

Today, you will find no such tomfoolery on this website. Why? Is it because Jezebel’s weekend crew detests fun and laughter? Because our lives are devoid of cheer? Certainly not! The issue lies in April Fools’ Day itself. I absolutely hate it, and I have a pretty good reason for hating it, too.

The year, I believe, was 1999. I was, I believe, in 7th grade, arguably the prime age for April Fools’ shenanigans. I can’t recall the details of the day, only that I woke up, went to school, came home and then my parents told me they were getting divorced.

Advertisement

Was this an April Fools’ day prank, a hilarious gag in which they would shout “APRIL FOOLS’” in unison, then we’d all eat some cake? It was not—trust me, I asked repeatedly. There was no gag. There was no cake. There totally was a divorce, though, precisely as promised. Honestly, it would have been way more messed up if they were joking. Can you imagine?

Again, it’s not that I don’t like humor. I fucking love laughing, god damn it. Give me your puns, your witty takes, your ecstatic Cockatoo rocking out to Elvis’s “Don’t Be Cruel” (seriously, watch the whole thing, it’s magnificent).

But let’s face it: Most people don’t have the comedic acumen to pull off a good prank anyway. So today, let’s celebrate the world’s worst “holiday” in the purest way we know how: By sharing our stories in the comments section, inside where it’s safe.