One Man's Ode to His 'Liquid Fucking Gold' Sperm

“LaidNYC” purports to be a NY-based pick-up artist; you may know him from past rhetorical standouts like “Don’t Marry Women over 25.” His recent essay on how much his sperm is worth (a lot) can be summed up in this one prudent declaration: “My seed is liquid gold and I don’t give it out like its god damn tap water.” But the entire paean is worth a read — not because we’re outraged or offended, mind you, just because this dude’s Casanova fanfic is so pathetic it needs to be mocked.

Ways LaidNYC refers to his sperm throughout his essay, “Your Seed is Gold”:

“my seed is liquid fucking gold and I don’t give it out like its god damn tap water.”

“My salty essence and genetic code is a gift from my father, and his father, and his father, and on it goes. Its the sticky genetic code of self-sufficient men who have protected and provided for family, women and children. Its the haplogroup of men who built civilization. I have the genetic lineage of warriors, business owners, firefighters, blacksmiths, farmers, herders, poets, politicians, soldiers, artists and even chefs. [Ed. note: EVEN CHEFS? No way!] Hard jobs that help build the world, thinking jobs that help build a culture, they’ve all been done by men in my bloodline. My ceiling for accomplishment is limitless.”

“I’m not some average guy begging to give my seed away. My seed is valuable and I know it.”

“Men of lesser genetics may be able to afford spraying their seed anywhere; I allow myself no such atrocities.”

“My sperm could populate an entire society of strong good looking altruistic people and any girl who takes it in would be lucky to be a vessel towards that new world.”

“It is the Royal Essence and you better enjoy every last drop.
If it lands on your face, chest or back, consider it raindrops from heaven, a rope of Holy Yogurt.
If you are lucky enough to get it in your mouth, savor it like the nourishing nectar of the Gods.
If I shoot it inside you consider it the greatest compliment of all. You will feel an immediate buzz.
My jizz is to women what Walter White’s pure blue meth is to junkies.”

“You’ll take my seed, sweetly tell me ‘thank you sir’ and buzz with happy feminine energy for the next day while you iron my fine shirts and indulge in memories of me.”

“fucking gold.”

In contrast, here are some of his thoughts on women (sorry, “liquid fucking gold”-receptors):

“I don’t give a shit about sex. [Ed. note: Clearly!] Any broad can spread her legs.”

“Sex, is that the big deal? I’m supposed to feel so grateful that you blessed me with that magical unicorn pussy of yours?”

“girls, your pussy is powerless to me. What else you got?”

“You slip on a tight skirt and throw on some makeup and flaunt those nice tits and think your job is done. You shit-test me all the way into the bedroom expecting me to give you amused mastery and show you my status and give you attention and ignore you just right all at the same time, and then you’ll give me sex.”

“I am inundated with a surplus of beauty in my daily pursuits, I can assure you that yours ‘aint that special. You probably look like shit first thing in the morning or on the first day of your period.”

“Your brand ‘aint that special.”

“It takes more than a nice curve of the ass or a bat of the eyelashes to earn my seed.”

So…how does one earn his seed?

“Beauty is the minimum and you better know how important that is. Long hair grown to impress me, healthy diet and exercise to maintain your figure and viability of your eggs.”

“I expect impeccable hygiene and classy style. A body tainted by tattoos and excessive piercings and slutty clothing signals you are available for sex to lesser men than myself. I’ll have none of that.”

“I demand a low N count to show you value your body and sex, and the seed I am about to give you will be appreciated on the level it deserves. A low N count shows both intelligence and confidence as you are smart enough not to give your body to charlatans and scoundrels, and confident enough to wait for the high value man you know you deserve.”

“I expect manners and grace. No swearing, drunkenness, burping, sarcasm or anything else unbecoming of a lady. I spend a lot of time working with and competing against men in my daily life, the last thing I need is the company of a woman who acts like the men I must compete with. You exist to soothe, not to grate.”

Alas, nothing gold can stay, which is fine because LaidNYC is obviously dating a blow up doll.