Image via Bravo

At some point, the Real Housewives of New York producers must have realized the best way to drive these women crazy is to lock them in a large luxury home, somewhere in the woods, preferably during the winter. This week, everyone packed their ridiculous boots and handles of Tito’s vodka and headed to Vermont, because if it ain’t broke...

However, before we get to Vermont, the episode begins with Bethenny making everyone go to the Bronx because she likes to inconvenience these Upper East Side prima donnas and show everyone how real and edgy she is they have good Italian food. Tinsley comes dressed for a tea party hosted by an Instagram-era Eloise, Ramona wasn’t invited and Dorinda shows up still hammered from the night before, which she soothes with white wine.

Advertisement

Oh Dorinda. I very much enjoy Dorinda, but this woman makes me question my decision to consume alcohol. Drunk Dorinda just makes me think: “Good lord, is there any chance I could ever look and sound like that?” It’s almost enough to make a girl pour her rosé down the drain—but only almost.

Somehow, the topic of Tipsy Girl comes up and Sonja claims Dorinda wanted to get in on the venture, which is probably a lie. Of course, instead of saying something like: No Sonja, I never had any interest in being a part of your phantom prosecco line and absolutely nobody would believe otherwise, Drunk Dorinda lashed out like only she can.

Obviously the best part of this is Dorinda screaming “CLIP” over and over again like that means something. (A close second is Luann up and leaving the table when she can’t get Dorinda to stop screaming.) The thing about Dorinda is she’s in the right quite often, but descends into a foul-mouthed sorority rusher much too quickly. Even with her calm, rather elegant talking heads, it’s hard to shake the image of her thrusting her vagina at the table.

Advertisement

Advertisement

Eventually, the ladies head out for this rather speedily-planned trip to Vermont. Bethenny is already on edge because she’s always on edge. Dorinda forgot all her luggage because she had a quickie with John (GROSS SORRY). And Ramona still needs three people to help her compose a text message.

When Ramona and Sonja show up they do that stupid, obnoxious room thing for the 3,457th time and I’m glad both Dorinda and Carole held their ground. You’ll be fine without a double sink, bitches! At least Sonja admits that, at this point, they just go through the whole song and dance to mess with people, which is funny because it’s incredibly effective.

The evening gets started and Ramona and Luann enjoy a leisurely game of ping pong while they discuss Bethenny YET AGAIN. As an aside, I weirdly enjoy their “friendship” becuase they truly are well-matched in many ways. Largely, they’re both insufferable snobs. Also, Ramona says terrible things to and about people and then wants them to forgive her. Luann constantly lies to everyone and then wants them to overlook it. What works is that they’re both willing, at a certain point, to do that for each other. Luann will forgive Ramona for calling her a bad mother and Ramona will eventually stop talking about Luann’s sham of marriage. A match made in delusional heaven.

While we’re talking about marriage and bedrooms, let’s discuss Luann, who recently got married for the second time, and for that reason, feels she should get the best room in the house. You have to admit, that line of logic is pretty goddamn incredible. Oh sure, yeah. That makes total sense, girl. Why wouldn’t the Matron Bride of Connecticut get the best room a month after her wedding? Really, it seems like someone forgot they’re not longer a Countess!

Screenshot via Bravo

I should move on but I really do need to say something. I know Luann does not reside in reality and will not read this, but on the slim chance she does or if even just one of you watched that clip and thought, well she does kind of have a point, let me say: Nobody, but nobody, gives a shit about your wedding. Nobody really cares that you got married. I mean, they kinda care. They care to the extent that they have to spend money to celebrate you getting married. But they don’t really care. Please keep that with you forever.

Advertisement

Advertisement

Dinner finally begins, and it’s the Tinsley’s Life Sucks Show. We’ve spent most of the season waiting for Tinsley to come out and be interesting and I guess this was her moment. The rumor was that Tinsely’s would be a slow burn and she’d get better as the season progressed and I guess “get better” meant: get drunk and cry.

To be fair, she’s had a good amount of shit to deal for someone who has health, wealth and white privilege. Her father died rather recently, and she got arrested as the result of a relationship that was both physically and mentally abusive. Then, after all that, she packs up her shit in Palm Beach and relocates to Sonja’s crotchety townhouse.

It was difficult to even follow what everyone was yelling about. It all starts with everyone comforting Tinsley as she cries about not having a husband (though she is looking for a non-WASP and maybe a Jew to marry), but quickly descends into Bethenny yelling at her.

Advertisement

Dorinda comes in with the line of the night, alleging that there’s “chaos in the townhouse” as everyone encourages Tinsley to get the fuck up out of Sonja’s home. Sonja seems to feel that, because Tinsley is crashing with her, it her duty to help her reenter New York society because it’s 1934. The result is she feels comfortable passing judgement on Tinsley’s life decisions while Tinsley sits 4 inches away

I don’t know. I really don’t know. I have to believe something was edited out because the progression of that conversation made little sense. Then, it ended just as confusingly as it began. This was no Berkshires Trip—round 1 or 2—but Vermont has satisfied me and I truly cannot wait to hear what else Luann, the Newly Wedded Former Countess, thinks she deserves for hitching herself to a man who, according to Dorinda in the preview of next week’s episode, “was out there fucking other people.” Vermont is for Housewives.