Today, I watched Kanye West appear on Kris Jenner's talk show "Kris." This was the first time I ever watched her show. Here are the 5 things I learned.
1. Kanye West and Kris Jenner clearly hate each other.
Seriously, they haaaaaaate each other and the more they deny it, the more obvious it becomes. If you ever wanted to watch Kanye crawl out of his own skin, this is the interview to watch.
2. Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are soul mates.
If I confess something to you, do you promise to keep it between the two of us? At the beginning of the show, Kanye started talking about how he's been in love with Kim Kardashian from the moment he met her and, well, I welled up a little bit. Maybe I'm being gullible, but in that moment, I truly believed him and I truly believe they're meant to be.
But then, about 30 minutes after Kanye finished waxing poetic about love at first sight, he started — without any hint of embarrassment — referring to his family as "a brand" and my tears of joy morphed into the kind of tears you cry when when you're violently vomiting because you have food poisoning or made the mistake of chasing a bottle of moscato with Red Bull.
Ew! But also, awwww! Kim and Kanye really are a match made in heaven. Horrible, materialistic, commercial heaven.
3. Speaking of heaven, Kanye West wears a woven WWJD bracelet like the ones all of the Christian kids wore during my freshman year of high school circa 2001.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. There's too many hoes in this house of sin. Black dick all up in your spouse again.
4. Kris Jenner will never be Oprah. She'll never even be Jenny Jones.
Kris Jenner wants to be Oprah SO BAD and it is never going to happen. Why? Because Oprah, despite being one of wealthiest women on the planet, will always seem somewhat relatable and Kris Kardashian is the exact opposite. Also, Oprah is charismatic (a good quality to have if you want to be famous) and Kris is naturally repellent (a terrible quality to have if you want to be famous).
5. North West is a really cute baby. Sorry, not sorry.
I don't know if I've ever seen a cuter brand in my entire life.