Vegas Club to Bachelorette Party: No 'Whales or Hippos' Allowed

It's fairly common knowledge that a Venn diagram charting the overlap between Vegas club promoters and terminal douchebags would be, essentially, a single circle. But this story of one woman's attempt to plan a Vegas bachelorette party well exceeds any tooly precedent by the tooliest people in tooltown.

SoCal reader Zoe* has helped plan more than her share of Vegas bachelorette parties since her friends started legally pairing off. Most Vegas clubs, she explained to me over email, have tons of experience dealing with premarital parties and will comp bachelor or bachelorette fetes if they reach out to a friendly promoter in advance. And this time, the bride wanted to go to Hakkasan in the MGM Grand, a hip club where all the bandage-iest dresses come out to frolic with arms akimbo for photos. Zoe writes,

In the past, clubs/promoters/hosts have tended to go out of their way to provide a great experience for the bride, and the group, and occasionally throw in a few extras to make the evening special. This is why I asked if it was possible to get a comped table.

Zoe reached out to a friend of a friend who worked at Hakkasan, and the following conversation ensued.

Vegas Club to Bachelorette Party: No 'Whales or Hippos' Allowed

Vegas Club to Bachelorette Party: No 'Whales or Hippos' Allowed

Vegas Club to Bachelorette Party: No 'Whales or Hippos' Allowed

Two things: No "whales" or "hippos"? What kind of a piss-poor excuse for a zoo is this!?! And secondly: unironic use of the phrase "#1 night club in America!" made me want to drag my broken body to the Brooklyn bridge and throw it off the edge in front of some German children. They've gotta learn at some point that life is pain, man. Might as well be now.

Included in the messages were a screen shotted copy of what the promoter said was his company's policy on comps, which the promoter insisted are Hakkasan-originated. The policy appears to mandate that men who want to reserve tables can do it sight unseen, but that tables of women must include group photos.

Vegas Club to Bachelorette Party: No 'Whales or Hippos' Allowed

That club owners and promoters realize its in their best interest to only admit good looking people isn't new or shocking. Clubs are, as a general rule, terrible, noisy places full of superficial garbage people (source: being an alive person). But by demanding instagram handles of 15 women and then lecturing a woman on how something is "not what Hakkasan is about," (LOL) this dude really sets a new standard for club douche punchability. Next time, just say no instead of launching into a weird, cokey ramble about night club mission statements.