If you had to pick a Disney theme park attraction that was likely created by evil reverse vampire Nazi alien zombies to enslave the human race, the first thing on the list would no doubt be "It's a Small World."
The ride, which I have been on an estimated 6,789 times, is basically the equivalent of having part of your brain surgically removed, then handed to you to hold while you traverse down an inexplicably long waterway filled with animatronic dolls singing some bullshit about how the world we live in is a beautiful, harmonious, happy world (hahaha, OK sure, Disney). I fucking love this thing. Because it has ALL THE DOLLS.
However, I've long suspected the ride is a secret tool Disney uses to impart subliminal messages of pop culture enslavement onto the people who dare wait in the 45 minute-long lines to enjoy it. This is how I explain the fact that I once maxed out two credit cards purchasing "It's a Small World" related merchandise in an Orlando gift shop. Today, my suspicions have been confirmed. Deadline reports that a movie, based on the ride is now in the works:
[Writer] Jared Stern pitched Small World and will write the script. He, [director Jon] Turteltaub and The Lego Movie's Dan Lin will be the producers. This one will take awhile to come together but it is envisioned as a potential franchise for the studio. Turteltaub is coming off the CBS Films hit comedy Last Vegas, a movie that has grossed $134 million worldwide. For Disney, Turteltaub directed the first two installments of National Treasure and is working on a third with producer Jerry Bruckheimer.
So Bruckheimer, the producer behind the Pirates of the Caribbean, is back to milking Disney attraction rides for his ideas. If there's one thing I remember from my Bible studies class I smoked weed all the way through, it's that the particular combination of "Jerry Bruckheimer" and "It's a Small World" is exactly what triggers the stampede by the Four Horsemen. I believe that specific passage can be found in either "Goofy Movie 3:11" or "Bad Boys II 12:23." I'm sure a Biblical scholar will jump in to clarify.
For a better idea of how glorious this movie is going to be, check out this video of the full ride:
It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small, small world.....
Image via Disney World.