Today is National Beer Day, the day Americans celebrate the end of prohibition and the beginning of weird regional laws that prevent you from buying beer and wine in the same place. Two Ranker polls reported by E! revealed the male and female celebrities people would most like to have a beer with, and the results are shocking.

The male winner was Bill Murray, which, no, and the female winner was Jennifer Lawrence, which—again—no! Not that I have a problem with Jenn or Bill as people, but I would not want to drink beer with either. Here are rules for choosing celebrity drinking partners that I just made up:

  1. Don’t drink with a celebrity who doesn’t care. Bill Murray will either not show up to your scheduled drinks or show up and not say a word to you. You will think this is funny and “cool,” but please be aware that it is not. Bill Murray will likely be cagey with you! And while that may make for a good Instagram photo/caption, it will not be the best use of your time.
  2. Don’t drink with a celebrity who doesn’t drink. Some people don’t drink! So don’t ask those people to drink beer with you.
  3. Don’t drink with a celebrity under 40. What do they have to talk about? Nothing, that’s what. So Jennifer’s out. Actually, all the top 10 female celebrities were under 35 (really?), so none of them will do.

But even though the top 10 male celebrities were all over 40, most are completely wrong!

  1. Bill Murray we discussed.
  2. Robert Downey Jr. doesn’t drink.
  3. :(
  4. John Goodman doesn’t drink.
  5. Liam Neeson would make me too sad.
  6. Will Ferrell won’t be as funny as you want him to be and you’ll both be acutely aware of that fact.
  7. Jeff Bridges could work as a backup choice.
  8. Steve Buscemi could work as a backup choice.
  9. Bradley Cooper would probably just send texts under the table? You’d say, “Who are you texting?” and he’d say, “Don’t worry about it.” Yeah, drinking with him would be too uncomfortable.[Clarification/Edit Note: Bradley Cooper doesn’t drink]
  10. Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t drink.

So which celebrities should we be drinking with, you ask? That’s easy. Maggie Smith, Shonda Rhimes, Tom Hanks, and Rita Wilson. All four. One table. Night of your life.


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.