First of all, I’d like to thank the asshats at the Academy for ending Leonardo DiCaprio’s decades of suffering and finally giving him that trivial trophy he so desperately craved and campaigned for this entire awards season despite his acting being pretty regularé in Revenant.

Second of all, is anyone surprised? This Leo robbery was inevitable and yet remains a blasphemy to the bears of the world, both CGI and real, who sacrifice so that aging movie stars can make millions of dollars and win little Oscars for grunting to display above their fancy bidets. I KNOW THE BEAR WASN’T NOMINATED. I know she wasn’t “real” TO YOU. Still got robbed.

Advertisement

Third of all, shout out to Alejandro González Iñárritu, who directed the shit out of that movie. Leo, congrats on no longer having to retreat to your colossal mansion to set fire to the speech you prepared after losing once again. Tonight, you win. But fuck you.


Contact the author at clover@jezebel.com.