You know the old saying: "Something old, something new, something borrowed, some kind of tentacled flying robot hovering above your wedding and watching you from its single hellish black eye."
According to the New York Times, "wedding drones" are all the rage, finally enabling photographers to capture that most coveted "perfect, death-defying shot"—a distant, artless aerial pic wherein your loved ones' precious faces are reduced to minuscule, indistinguishable dots, and the majority of the frame is dominated by parked cars, hidden dumpsters, and whatever weird industrial chimneys and crap you didn't know were on the roof of that faux "Tuscan villa" you rented. PERFECTION!
But could there be any drawbacks?
In August 2013, while shooting video images of a wedding couple joyously laughing and whirling through an open field in Wyoming, his drone flew into the groom's head — a scene played over and over again by viewers on YouTube. Fortunately, except for an ugly gash on the side of the groom's face, nothing serious happened. "There's definitely risk involved," Mr. Orgill said, "but the couple was good-natured about the incident and we finished the shoot."
"EXCEPT FOR AN UGLY GASH ON THE SIDE OF THE GROOM'S FACE, NOTHING SERIOUS HAPPENED." Yes. Only a disfiguring facial injury in the middle of your wedding. Nothing serious.
Couples are starting to find an unfortunate downside. "The problem is the noise — drones are not quiet," Mr. Gyokeres said. "It's great for an overall shot, but not good during a ceremony."
Mr. Reggie, whose clients have included members of the Kennedy clan, said, "I love the images, but it is inappropriate at a wedding." Four motors whirring around, he said, is incompatible with the sanctity of the moment. "For me, the overriding concern at a wedding is not interrupting the quiet." He added that because of the noise factor, "you get faces looking up at the sky."
I don't see what's so unromantic about a swarm of dog-sized cyclopean robot bees flying around your wedding. Some people have no vision, you know?
In fact, I think we should incorporate more modern technology into this ancient tradition. I'm currently planning my wedding for next summer, and I think I'm going to overhaul the whole thing at this point. Instead of getting married in a small, quiet ceremony at my mom's house, we're going to 3D-print a church, Kim Kardashian's Hollywood is going to officiate, and after we exchange ceremonial FitBits and swipe right in front of kith and kin, we'll hand out a complementary Google Glass to each guest and everyone will sit motionless for three hours looking at pictures of people having a party.
And if we ever try to get divorced, our custom-made Pavloks will be programmed to deliver a severe electric shock! TRU ROMAHNCE. Tru, robot-enforced, permanent romahnce.
Image via Getty.