Nothing Will Ever Be As Perfect As This Martha Stewart 'Punk Party'

Party season is upon us! And if you have little ones, surely you are tearing your hair out, wracking your brains for a perfectly unique Halloween party idea, one that will stand out from all the other kids’ parties on the block. Look no further! Martha Stewart Living has a handy guide to throwing a crafty punk-rock inspired party. For children.

There’s not really much I can say that will improve upon the pitch-perfection of this lede, which is the very pinnacle of digital aspirational lifestyle content:

There’s a reason kids love to rock out. Since it hit the mainstream around the 1970s, punk as a subculture has enamored kids (of all ages) with its attitude of freedom, self-expression, and do-it-yourself creativity.

So what do you need to throw a birthday bash for a pint-sized punk rocker? A multicolored mohawk? Check. Leather jacket? Check. The rest of the party? That’s a little trickier. Here’s how to pull together a party that won’t turn into a riot.

You are urged to send invites that look like concert tickets (“they can double as place-holders at the table with a seat number”). Guidance is provided on decorations—”String up punk-inspired garlands (think plaid fabric, safety pins, and shiny gold and brass materials).” Kids can make punk crafts (like these punk-rock pumpkins), but do remember to “keep a grown-up nearby.” Plus, there are snacks!

A full-on “nosh pit” is just what this punk party calls for. Offer a plate of Spinach Ricotta Skulls (a classically punk motif) alongside a bowl of Spinach, Bacon, and Onion Dip (for “noshing”). Lastly, mix a punch bowl of dark and delicious Spiced (and Spiked) Concord Grape Punch (sans vodka for the kids).

End the buffet on a high note … or should we say, “sweet” note? Buy a sheet of music — in your favorite punk jam, of course — to top fondant-covered cupcakes.

All they forgot was:

Heroin
Heroin
Heroin
A little more heroin

Otherwise, all exigencies are covered. A Dead Kennedys fan page even shared the guide on Facebook! Ex-con Martha Stewart: punk as fuck.