WATCH OUT FOR WILD ANIMALS. THE WILD ANIMALS HAVE GONE WILD. Just this past Sunday, three women were (non-fatally) savaged by enormous beasts—two women by a moose in Colorado, and a third by a bear in Alaska.
These moose ladies were just out walking their dogs in a "wooded area," minding their own biz, when this moose came up and was like, "UGH, CAN I LIVE."
"All of a sudden, he looked at me, grunted and then charged," Jacquie Boron said.
..."I heard, 'Help me, help me, help me,'" said neighbor Chris Hockley, who ran to help. "This lady comes running up to the house and she's covered in blood all over her arms and chest. She says, 'He's still hurting her. He's still hurting her.'"
Boron explained, "I tried to get up, and he kept coming back and stomping on me."
The moose finally backed off, and she moved from tree to tree until rescuers got to her.
Jacquie has four broken ribs, staples in the back of her head,15 stitches on her leg and bruises all over.
She'll hike again, just not anywhere near moose.
"If you know there's a moose, it's not just people saying they're aggressive, they're aggressive. So don't hike where you know there's moose out there," Boron said.
And the bear lady is such a fucking boss that she WALKED FOR TWO MILES COVERED IN BEAR BITES TO FIND HELP.
"The bear attacked her, defending her babies, seeing her as a threat," said Mark Sledge, senior conservation law enforcement officer at the base.
The bear knocked down the woman and took at least one swipe at her. Officials still haven't interviewed the woman and don't know if she was knocked unconscious or played dead until the animal left the area. Playing dead is the appropriate response when meeting a female bear protecting cubs, Sledge said.
...Sledge estimated the bear to be between 7 and 8 feet tall based on the 7-inch size of the rear paw pads. He said the woman is lucky to be alive.
Glad to hear everyone's going to be okay!
You know what that means, people. One more Kingdom Animalia attack this week and we've got a trend piece on our hands!!!!!
A crazed Dallas man stripped off his clothes and dove through the sunroof of a woman's moving car, where he punched and clawed at her before police stopped him.
Cops were already responding to reports of an unhinged man attacking jogger at the intersection of Zang Blvd. and Oakenwald St. when the perp suddenly stripped and hopped onto the roof of a passing black sedan.
Witness Marcus Payne filmed the incident with his cellphone.
In the video, the female driver can be heard shrieking as the nude goon slips through her sunroof.
As police pursue the car, it continues to roll down a street before veering into a utility pole.
A NUDE GOON IS TECHNICALLY AN ANIMAL. IT COUNTS. That's three. They're coming for us.
I don't know what made the animals so mad (maybe the fact that they used to have places to live and now everything is a Quiznos?), but one thing's for certain—animals have CLEARLY formed a multi-state shadow coalition to bring us down and/or ruin our Sundays.
And there's only one way to fight back: Leave animals alone, let animals do their thing, protect animal habitats, respect animal boundaries, don't feed wild animals, don't vilify creatures for following their natural 'stincts, don't ascribe human motivations and emotions to said 'stincts, don't spread hysterical fear and distrust of lady-bears who are just trying to keep their baybays alive unless you are joking like me, accept that sometimes animals and humans just have unfortunate encounters but in the grand scheme of things a bear attack is nearly a statistical impossibility, and stay away from that one naked guy in Dallas. IT'S THE ONLY WAY.
Image via Dennis Donohue/Shutterstock.