Image by Tara Jacoby, featuring the shade artist at a young age.

Hey, has anyone else had a problem keeping their brain matter from oozing out of their ears and nose over the past few days as your body suffers a physical response to the demise of American democracy as we know it? Anyone?

While we’re on the subject of things that make my brain melt, let me remind you that while the Washington Post is doing its part to save us from oblivion, they still have absolutely no idea what shade is and continue to misuse the word and to embarrass themselves on an alarmingly regular basis which threatens to undo any of the journalistic good they’ve done in the history of the publication.

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Anyway, in this week’s Shade Court, reboots are terrible, boy bands are no more and I guess we have to talk about the RompHim.

Shade Court Docket #2017JZ000064

Images via Columbia Pictures and Getty.

The Case: Kirsten Dunst was promoting something and sat down with Variety for an interview. During the chat, she was asked about some of the 4,586 new Spider-Man films that have been released since the original, Sam Raimi-directed, Tobey Maguire-starring trilogy.

She’s ambivalent about Sony’s decision to keep rebooting the franchise, now in its third iteration. “I don’t care,” she says of the reboots, admitting she didn’t see the last installment. “Everyone likes our ‘Spider-Man.’ C’mon, am I right or what? Listen, I’d rather be in the first ones than the new ones.”

The Defendant: Too many people

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The Evidence:

The Deliberation: I love how the author attempted to frame Dunst’s clearly not at all ambivalent comments as ambivalent. If she was actually ambivalent, she would have stopped speaking after “I don’t care.” Because Kirsten clearly does care, doesn’t she?

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Frankly, I don’t blame her. You know what absolutely nobody needed? A goddamn Spider-Man reboot just three years after the last film. Apparently Sony loves them a three year mark because yet another Spider-Man movie is being forced down our throats this summer even though they just made a Spider-Man movie in 2014.

Kirsten is probably thinking: We gave you one too many perfectly solid Spider-Man movies and you can’t even wait half a decade before dragging out the same damn concept and bludgeoning it with marketing dollars? 

Yes, all sane people do like the first Spider-Man movies better—it was during James Franco’s hottest phase! Who wouldn’t love that? And of course, I too would rather be in the first ones than have to spew a bunch of bullshit during press tours about how the sixth iteration of this movie is somehow still interesting or innovative.

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What Kirsten did was state facts—this is what I’d call a delicate drag. She kept the language rather passive but the crux of her comments clear—like a blunt dagger. It was a nice moment that didn’t need shade brought into the equation.

The Ruling: Not shade

Shade Court Docket #2017JZ000065

Images via Getty.

The Case: Those One Direction boys have broken up and are out making their own music because life is long when you’re a 24-year-old millionaire and the *NSYNC boys did the same thing so why not?

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Liam Payne was recently interviewed about his new music. He opened by saying some nice things about his former coworkers’ music.

Then he got to Harry Styles:

Harry’s song I heard and I’ll be honest with you, it’s not my sort of music. So it’s not something I’d listen to, but I think he did a great job of doing what he wanted to do.

That’s the way I’d put it best, I think.

And I think the funny thing is he’d say the same thing about me because he doesn’t really listen to hip hop music. Where it’s like, my song’s more “Rack City” and his song’s more of a different era to something I’d listen to, I guess.

The Defendant: BuzzFeed

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The Evidence:

The Deliberation: Fool, what?

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Unfortunately, we have to discuses Liam referring to his music as HIP HOP. Sir. Sir. Just because your record label could afford that Quavo verse fee does not make your music hip hop.

Then there’s the fact he used fucking TYGA has a goddamn example of hip hop music. The “Rack City” era? Boy have you lost your damn mind? No. Absolutely the hell not. Further, I can’t even begin to understand what he’s trying to say with that reference. Liam’s song is not and sounds nothing like “Rack City.” Plus, “Rack City” came out in 2011, so if he’s trying to make some argument about having a more current sound, that doesn’t even work. The entire thought process he went through to say those words out loud makes me want to die.

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But back to the issue at hand. Like most people, he talked too much and almost trampled all over his potential shade. The important line here is:

I think he did a great job of doing what he wanted to do.

Liam’s extremely genuine demeanor throughout this interview very much works in his favor. Notice he didn’t say Harry did a great job—he said he did a great job at whatever the hell he was trying to do. It initially sounds like a compliment and is just vague enough to keep us—and more importantly, Harry—wondering.

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Because we’re all desperate for some good news, I’ll isolate Liam’s quip and try to forget about every other word he uttered.

The Ruling: Shade

Shade Court Docket #2017JZ000066

Images via Getty and Twitter

The Case: If you’ve been able to go this long without hearing about the RompHim then I salute you and I desperately want your life.

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It’s a romper for men. That’s it.

As everyone on Twitter did anything they could to momentarily distract themselves from the overwhelming chaos of our nation, the RompHim took off as the internet’s topic of the week. During all this, images of Cam Newton in a romper were resurrected and jokes were made.

The Defendant: People magazine

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The Evidence:

The Deliberation: Allow me to go on a brief tangent.

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I’ll be honest. I didn’t “get” the hoopla around the whole male romper thing. I get it, but also, I don’t. Men have been wearing rompers by another name for a minute now. It’s just a jumpsuit, guys! A jumpsuit with less coverage! I find the distinction between jumpsuits and rompers extremely annoying particularly when I’m online shopping. Often times, sites will list jumpsuits, (which usually involve a long pant leg) separately from rompers, (which are usually shorts). I don’t feel this segregation is necessary and find it rather inconvenient!

Anyway, all the Cam Newton throwback did, as far as I’m concerned, is prove that the male romper truly is nothing new. And that’s all I have to say about the RompHim.

And, of course, none of those stupid jokes were shade, Jesus Christ. Did I somehow miss the fact that I’ve been living as a large grandfather clock instead of a human woman all these years? Did I metamorphosize into a parrot? Am I one of those redundant decimals from math class? Because I DON’T KNOW WHY I HAVE TO KEEP REPEATING MYSELF.

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The Ruling: Not shade

Shade Court Docket #2017JZ000067

Images via Getty.

The Case: Following years of diminishing ratings and the continued dilution of a brand that should have died along with iPod Nano, ABC decided to bring American Idol back to the air and we are never going to escape from this reboot hellscape.

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Taylor Hicks, who you may vaguely remember among the sea of extremely average white men who participated in the show, gave an interview in response to the news of the reboot and the announcement that former contestant Chris Daughtry had landed a gig as a judge.

“I think a winner should be [a judge], personally,” Hicks, 40, said during an interview on the Domenick Nati Show on Tuesday, May 16. “Because, what you go through to win the show is a lot different than what you go through when you’re third or fourth, you know, or fifth. Or tenth. If they were going to have a judge that’s from the show, if they’re going to have someone from the show who was actually a contestant, I would feel like a winner would be the best suited.”

The Defendant: Us Weekly

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The Evidence:

The Deliberation: Hey Taylor, quick question for you: DO YOU THINK ANYONE ACTUALLY FUCKING CARES?

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Dude, dude. Hey, are you listening? Can you hear me. Nobody cares. Nobody fucking cares.

The very obvious issue here is that our ashen-haired friend Taylor is clearly in his feelings about not being selected as a judge. I imagine he’s also understandably upset he lost out to a man with a soul patch. Fair! However, this is not the way you want to go down.

what you go through to win the show is a lot different than what you go through when you’re third or fourth, you know, or fifth. Or tenth.

Really, buddy? Is it?

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Aside from being an extremely petty and unhelpful thing to bring up (I doubt this changed the minds of any ABC casting executives), this argument doesn’t even make sense. Consider this, Einstein: How many of the judges on the original show were American Idol winners? They did occasionally bring back past contestants for short judging stints, but none of the permanent judges were people who ever won American Idol—they had real music careers.

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Then there’s the fact he’s VERY OBVIOUSLY talking about Chris. On Season 5, Hicks won the competition while Chris came in fourth.

The Ruling: CASE THROWN OUT FOR BEING STUPID AND WASTING MY PRECIOUS TIME