New Ronaldo Statue Features Prominent Bronze Wang

Cristiano Ronaldo’s hometown of Funchal on the island of Madeira, Portugal celebrated their very own demigod on Sunday by ERECTING an XXL statue in his likeness. The ROCK-HARD ELEVEN-FOOTER, which boasts a RIGID faux-hawk and a VISIBLE CHUBBY, elicited an emotional, long-winded response from Ronaldo:

“This is a very special moment, to have a statue of me,” the 29-year-old said.

And so true-to-form! The likeness is part of a museum dedicated to the soccer star, who, his mother Dolores added, has “never forgotten his origins.” Sounds about right.