New Princess Finds Castle Living Musty, With Tacky Decor

Now that the Kate Middleton, the Princess — sorry, Duchess Of Cambridge — has moved into a royal residence in Kensington palace, she’s begun to make some adjustments. The Brit papers do not take this lightly, claiming that she has “turned up her nose” at the mansion. They probably considered headlines like “Princess Hates Being A Royal,” “Take Your Tiara And Shove It,” or “Kate And Queen No Longer On Speaking Terms.” You can almost sense the restraint as one pearl-clutchy paper reports: “Kate Middleton Redecorates ‘Fuddy-Duddy” Kensington Palace.” Mostly because she purchased candles.

According to the Mirror:

Prince William’s 29-year-old wife had £900-worth of pure white ‘Scent 1′ fragrances delivered to their cottage, within the grounds of the sprawling £19million royal residence.

As well as the lavender, sandalwood and moss-based waxes and sprays by celeb interior designer Kelly Hoppen, Kate has ordered “minimalist” cushions to spruce up the furnishings.

To be fair: This cool young couple is living in a building constructed in the 17th century. Burning a cleansing candle or two seems like a good idea. Queen Mary died of smallpox in Kensington Palace in 1694. In 1702 King William III fell from a horse and was brought to Kensington Palace, where he died. Queen Anne had 14 miscarriages in a Kensington Palace bedchamber. (You can visit the room as part of the “Enchanted Palace” exhibit. Yes, the building where where William and Kate live is open to the public). And that’s just part of what we know about. If Downton Abbey is to be believed, there were many more secret shenanigans going on.

In case you’re wondering, the candles the Duchess purchased have a fragrance with “aromatic, woody and spicy undtertones that will seduce women and men alike.” Hopefully the scent isn’t too alluring, otherwise the plebes will defect from their tour groups and wander over.