New Croc Monstrosities Are Coming Because Crocs Will Never Go Away

Crocs, Inc., the company responsible for those ugly porous foot holders for shoe-resistant people, has been floundering lately. Things have changed a lot since 2007, when the world populace lined up to place their appendages into lightweight clogs — but now, as Crocs, Inc. wheezes helplessly, a charitable figure has appeared to inject life into the moribund company.

Blackstone Group, a private equity company that sounds suspiciously like something that would be run by nefarious wizards, has bequeathed upon Crocs, Inc. a $200 million bailout. The Grands Wizards Blackstone hope that the company will proceed to create new products and expand in Asia; after the Blackstone intervention, shares of Crocs, Inc. surged about 20 percent.

"Blackstone sees tremendous opportunity in the Crocs brand and global franchise," Prakash Melwani, chief investment officer of Blackstone's private equity group, said in a statement. "The company has the infrastructure and products to enable continued growth across the wide range of geographies and channels through which it operates." LONG LIVE THE CROC. NO SLEEP TIL WORLD DOMINATION.

It's worth noting that , in the past year or so, Crocs, Inc. has expanded the scope of what it sells but it's continued to do poorly nonetheless. This is likely because its new products consist of ghastly perforated boots and CROC HIGH HEELS. (To what occasion would one wear a Croc high heel? A formal kayak trip? A very elegant public shower?) So far, none of the new designs have sold as well as the original clog — which the company lauds as capable of "discouraging sweating" and also "neither plastic nor rubber." So chic! Perhaps the new Croc loafer protoype, which probably also discourages sweating, will change that.