A company has created a kit that has everything a woman needs to survive the dreaded (or not-so-dreaded) "walk of shame."
Included in the kit are a dress, flip flops (guess you're screwed if you get horny during the next polar vortex), a backpack, sunglasses, pre-pasted toothbrush, wipes, an "awareness bracelet" (for breast cancer, not one-night stands), and best of all, a "Call/Don't Call leave behind note card." From the company's website, which poses the question"What is the walk of shame you ask?" (I didn't ask. Really.):
It is the act of going home the next morning and being embarrassed in your clothes from the night before. There is no longer a need to be embarrassed by doing the "walk of shame", all of your problems are solved with the Walk of Shame™ Kit. It's everything you'll need to walk home with your head held high.
The kit is basically a sleepover kit with a needless tie to "breast cancer awareness" (because you should always be aware of the ways you could die after you have hot one-night stand sex) and the awkward "call/don't call" cards. Because ignoring a dude's text messages the day after is sooo 2013, you guys.
As you might expect a lot of bloggers are scratching their heads over this (and some are yanking their hair furiously out of their heads). Over at Bustle, Lucia Peters has reservations about the stigma of the phrase "Walk of Shame," not the act:
I'm not totally sure I can get behind this one, mostly because I don't believe in the Walk of Shame. I prefer to think of it as a Walk of Awesome, because why the hell should we be ashamed of exercising our right to have sex? Yeah, maybe our hair doesn't look as amazing as it did when we left home to go out the night before; and yeah, maybe our smokey eye and bold lip isn't quite as well-suited to the daytime as it is to night. But who the hell cares? "Walk of Shame" says "slut shaming" to me. "Walk of Awesome," on the other hand, is… well, awesome. I don't need a kit that assures me it will "never tell" anyone about the fact that I — gasp! — had sex last night. This isn't the '50s, after all.
I like Walk of Awesome, too. But let's face it, that could describe a lot of things in our lives.
Daily Life blogger Clem Bastow is a lot less excited about the product, officially dubbing it "2014's Worst Idea."
Look, there's no denying that there are times after the moment when a man and a woman (or a woman and a woman, or a man and a man, or seven consulting adults of varying gender identities) love each other very much and you could do with a few Wet Ones and some sunglasses. But while a part of me is inclined to applaud the mercenary tendencies of a company determined to cash in on outmoded moral outrage and shame about s-e-x (capitalism: if you're gonna do it, do it right), for the most part the Walk Of Shame™ Kits make me sad in my heart.
And that's precisely because I think more of us should take the Lonely Island approach to casual sex. If you're anything like me and regularly, say, talk about World Of Warcraft in public or have ever worn a costume based on a comic book character, the occasion of sexual congress is enough of a seeming miracle that far from being an event riddled with shame, it should be a cause for celebration. The last time I can recall being aware that I was, to the casual observer, on a "walk of shame" - high heels in hand, sparkly 'after 5' dress at 11am, in broad daylight - my trudge home was met by copious car honks, thumbs ups and and mile-wide grins from passersby. Pay USD$34.99 to avoid such a real interaction with my fellow humans? That'd be a crying shame.
Vanessa Golembewski at Refinery 29 has the best reaction to this kit, however:
"I Woke Up Like This" We subscribe to the WWBD — What Would Beyoncé Do? — philosophy. And, this product suggests we do not wake up flawless. Not into it
I personally think this is the kind of silly thing you buy if want to blow $34.99 to support whatever charity/nonprofit cause happens to be attached to it (in this case, breast cancer awareness). Not because you're actually going to carry around some stupid big tin in your purse that says Walk of Shame™ kit that you whip out like "OMG I just had a one night stand! Thank goodness I have my trusty Walk of Shame™ kit here with me though." That seems about as random and awkward as all those times Batman would magically produce some highly specialized tool that would perfectly fit whatever bizarre trap some villain had set for him in. It's like how Batman's shoes just happen to turn into ice skates right when they encounter Mr. Freeze. I'm saying these kits will make you look like a cartoonish superhero in a campy 1960's television show.
One thing confuses me with these kits—do they sell them for dudes? Because in my "one-night-stand" era (picture a lot of rotary phones and parachute pants) you know, sometimes the guy would come over to my place and have to do his own walk of shame. (Or do we not call it that for men? It's just "walking home after spending the night at someone's place," isn't it?)
Well, the company at least offers one way men can buy into their product, too!
And for you guys, aren't you tired of her taking your favorite tee-shirt the morning after to walk home in. Your problem is now solved, keep a Walk of Shame™ Kit in your house and you don't have to worry about calling her to get your favorite tee back again.
Yes, godforbid some random woman walks off with your "Boba Fett Is My Homeboy" t-shirt. You know she probably only slept with you so she could get her hands on it anyway.
If you are in need of a tin with a graphic with a woman shushing people that has a bunch of probably cheaply made stuff you can use for a sleepover (provided you live in a warm weather climate like Miami or Tahiti), you can get yourself a Walk of Shame™ kit on the company's website here.
Image via Walk of Shame.