My Whole Weekend Is Ruined Because I Am a Woman With Needs

It’s Friday afternoon and I should be riding high right now. After a week of crafting high-quality content for the internet, it’s time for a break. It’s time to chillax, enjoy some adult beverages and look fly as hell doing so. I should be ECSTATIC right now, dear readers, but I’m not. Why? Because my whole fucking weekend has been ruined and now I’m going to tell you about it.

Two days ago I came across what can only be described as a perfect shade of lipstick. According to Rihanna, the ’90s aesthetic is back and I want it. I WANT TO LOOK LIKE NIA LONG CIRCA 1996, DAMMIT. So when I saw Amber Rose in this matte brown lipstick, I knew I had to have it because I am a slave to consumerism.

Luckily for me, Amber Rose is also inextricably tied to consumerism, and is going through a divorce and probably needs the extra cash, so she included all the information for the lipstick she was wearing. Now, readers, I love lipstick. Some might even say I have a problem with lipstick. Have I possibly spent $40 on a $16 tube of Mac lipstick that I hunted down on eBay because it was sold out everywhere else? MAYBE AND NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR JUDGEMENT.

So I headed over to the Lime Crime Cosmetics website and found my poison: Liquid matte lipstick in shade “Salem.”

I placed the product in my online shopping cart, but then I realized: I want my lipstick NOW. HOW CAN I GET MY LIPSTICK NOW? I wasn’t about to pay for some overnight shipping bullshit because that’s crazy, but I had a potential solution.

I check Amazon.com and lo and behold, there it was. Not only was the lipstick I wanted in stock, but it was available for PRIME SHIPPING and I, Kara Brown, am still on my father’s Amazon Prime account because I don’t think he’s been paying attention.

Now I’m cooking. I’ll have my lipstick in two days—that means it’ll be here in time for the weekend. THE FREAKIN’ WEEKEND.

That’s when my mind starts to dance. I had plans to hit the town Friday night and now I’ve got a real reason to go out—to show off my new lipstick. I begin to craft, as I always do, my outfit around my shade of lipstick for the evening. A bodysuit, perhaps? That’s very ’90s. Probably something high-waisted because my ass has been superb recently. Nothing too bright because that’ll clash with my lips. I’VE GOT BIG PLANS, GUYS.

For some reason, something told me to check the status of my order this morning. Usually I don’t have to worry about Amazon—they come through for ya girl when she doesn’t feel like going to the store to buy toilet paper and only has 39 hours of supplies left. But something told me to just check—take a peak—make sure things are going smoothly.

I log into my account, click on my order, which is correctly labeled as “Two-Day Shipping,” and that’s when I realize, contrary to everything I’ve been told, THE PACKAGE HASN’T EVEN FUCKING SHIPPED YET. And not only that, my delivery estimate is JANUARY 21ST BY 8PM.

What the fuck, Amazon? What am I supposed to do with that? What’s the goddamn point? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS WEEKEND?

Shit.

Are there more pressing issues in the world? Of course. Does that change the fact that I want my goddamn lipstick? No it does not. I’m going to go eat some Doritos and drink Sauvignon Blanc because WHAT’S EVEN THE POINT ANYMORE?