You’re cordially invited to view the home of the honorable Mr. Steven A. Cohen, whose multimillion dollar Manhattan penthouse at One Beacon Court (a location Mr. Cohen thinks you’ll be very much pleased by) is outfitted with the finest of furnishings, the coziest of comforts, and most luxurious of luxuries. There is but one catch, my most esteemed guest! You have to stay...forever.

Cohen, who bought the penthouse for $24 million in 2005 and had it redesigned by architect Charles Gwathmey, put the—ah—unique home on the market in 2013 for $115 million. But, as you noble ladies and gentlemen must be asking yourselves, would the fine aristocrats of Manhattan pass on this most budget-friendly real estate offer of a lifetime?

“There’s so many other better apartments available at that price. Plus, Stevie Cohen’s apartment isn’t exactly a draw in the banking world,” a real estate source tells the New York Post, adding: “Some people think its cursed.”

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Ah-ha. Yes. That little complication. And so the price was bumped down to $98 million (a deal!), then $82 million (a steal!), and finally a pauper’s price of $79 million. Now, the apartment—thanks to its peculiarities—has been taken off the market entirely, leaving Cohen—a billionaire “hedge fund titan”—with useless, cursed real estate on his useless, cursed hands.

So, please, most genteel guests, répondez s’il vous plaît to Mr. Cohen’s gracious invitation. He promises a drop dead good time.


Contact the author at madeleine@jezebel.com.

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Image via Crimson Peak/Universal Studios.