Most Deluded Girl Ever on Catfish Truly Thought She Was Dating Bow Wow

Oof. Oooooof. I don’t know if you’ve been watching MTV’s Catfish (just me?), but last night’s episode was a doozy. In general, the people featured on the show tend to be…erm…simple, but Keyonnah — the newest girl to be fooled by all of the internet’s worst lies — took it to a new level. You see, Keyonnah doesn’t just think she’s dating some online rando. Keyonnah thinks she’s dating Bow Wow (née Lil’). Spoiler alert: She definitely isn’t dating Bow Wow.

The pair began their relationship after Keyonnah messaged him through an unverified Facebook fan page (first warning sign) and he responded (second warning sign). They began texting and talking on the phone, but whenever it came time to Skype, Not Bow Wow’s video chat would be broken or he would be too busy (gazillionth warning sign). He did, however, send her $10,000 to help support her family and fledgling modeling career.

Keyonnah is 60% sure that she is talking to the real Bow Wow, but that 40% doubt (otherwise known as common sense) is holding her back from giving her whole heart. That’s what’s actually so depressing about Catfish, I think. Not that there are people out there willing to trick you into falling in love with someone who doesn’t exist, but that there are people willing to buy into it. Keyonnah and nearly everyone else who appears on the show are all so sweet, optimistic and stupid and you know they’re going to get crushed. It’s like watching a puppy run up to greet an operating steam roller. It can’t end well.

And it doesn’t. After minimal research, Nev and Max discover that whoever Keyonnah’s been talking to is not Bow Wow. (“What?!?!?!?!” – no one) “I just feel stupid,” she says, crying into her hands. I genuinely feel sorry for her — she’s now becoming as cynical as the rest of us. “Don’t forget, this happened to me also,” Nev replies. Yes, Nev, you fucking goober. You’re stupid, too. For many, many reasons.

When they go to meet whoever it is that’s posing as Bow Wow and sending Keyonnah money, they’re greeted with a shock. “Bow Wow” is actually a girl rapper named Dee who tells Max that she tricls women into thinking she’s a man all of the time — occasionally even using a dildo to sleep with them. I would consider this deceit a form of rape, but hey, that’s just me.

Dee comes off like a legitimate sociopath — in addition to assaulting women, she’s also borrowed money from friends that she has no intention of paying back and shows no remorse for all of the lies she’s told. Still, what upsets Keyonnah the most is that Dee is a girl. I’m not saying that this isn’t reason to be angry, but after everything we’ve learned about Dee, her genitalia is actually the least offensive thing.

Still, Keyonnah says that she could maybe — one day — be friends with Dee because she is not very bright and doesn’t seem to realize that the best thing she can do now is take the money and run. Dee tells her to take all the time she needs and thanks everyone for stopping by as if this was an episode of Cribs rather than Catfish.

Okay, then. I’m off to crawl into a grave where I never have to see other people ever again.