Monopoly Is Retiring One of Its Beloved Game Pieces Forever and It Better Not Be Fucking Shoe

Look. I don’t even like Monopoly that much because it takes forever and, I don’t know, I’m just not that tickled by recreational real estate brokerage. I’m more of a Game of Life kind of girl. (Runner up: Mille Bornes. CREVE!) But come on, it’s MONOPOLY. It’s America’s game! You can’t just go around changing it and yoinking game pieces willy-nilly! Because while I’m fairly meh about the actual gameplay, I will always have a sentimental attachment to hat, wheelbarrow, scotty dog, race car, thimble, battleship, and—especially, obviously—SHOE. Oh, shoe. Such an underdog. So inscrutable. Don’t even try to scrute shoe.

So that’s why I’m troubled, you see, by the news that Uncle Pennybags’s shadowy Monopoly cabal is planning to vote one of the classic Monopoly tokens out of da clurb and replace it with some newfangled impostor:

Hasbro has launched a “Save Your Token” campaign to retire either the race car, iron, Scottie dog, wheelbarrow, shoe, top hat, thimble or battleship. The company is letting fans vote until Feb. 5 for the one they want to keep via the Monopoly Facebook page. The one with the lowest total goes directly – and permanently – to jail.

Fans also can vote for the replacement token: toy robot, helicopter, cat, guitar or diamond ring.

A limited-run “Golden Token” Monopoly ($17.99) arrives in Target stores exclusively in mid-February, and it will be the last edition to have all of the classic tokens and the only set to have all five of the potential new pieces as well. The first Monopoly game to reflect the new token lineup will be released in late summer.

This has to be it for shoe, don’t you think? Shoe or wheelbarrow. Or thimble. Scotty dog, you’re cool. Battleship, I don’t really give a shit. But seriously, what dumb kid is going to vote for wheelbarrow when they could have a robot with a mustache or a bitchy judgmental cat? Sigh. In my day we had wheelbarrow and shoe and we were GRATEFUL. Kids these days. Grumble grumble where’s my cane.

Token change for ‘Monopoly’ to replace an iconic piece [USAToday via BoingBoing]