Exciting news from the fan fiction world! A writer who claims to be an Evangelical stay-at-home mom named Grace Ann has taken it upon herself to remove all the
witchcraft devil-worship from Harry Potter and replace it with a more Christian-friendly message. Looks like someone has finally thought of the children — by stripping a children's book of the very thing that makes it fun to read.
"I'm new to this whole fanfiction thing, but recently, I've encountered a problem that I believe this is the solution to," Grace Ann wrote on FanFiction.net. "My little ones have been asking to read the Harry Potter books and of course I'm happy for them to be reading, but I don't want them turning into witches! So I thought 'Why not make some slight changes so these books are family friendly?' And then I thought 'Why not share this with all the other mommies who are facing the same problem?' So-Ta da! Here it is! I am SO excited to share this with all of you!"
There's no way that Grace Ann is for real, right? This is an internet prank? In this Jimmy Kimmel world, it's hard to tell anymore, but so far, the only website calling her story (called Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles) "satire" is using the word for legal reasons. Never does it say whether or not the piece itself is a joke. Sure, it's pretty out there, but not so far gone that it couldn't possibly be written in earnest. Read for yourself!
Here's when Hagrid, spreading the Lord's word, first arrives at the Dursleys, only two discover that Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon are Dawkins-thumping atheists:
Christians are people who want to be good," Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. "We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?"
Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious.
"Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God."
Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry's young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, "Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven't you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things."
Hagrid laughed wisely. "Evolution is a fairytale. You don't really believe that, do you?"
"Yes, I do!" Aunt Petunia screeched.
"Well then prove it!"
Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn't even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!
After Hagrid so expertly proves that God exists, he convinces Harry to travel to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles using the power of prayer. There, they meet Reverend Albus Dumbledore and his lovely wife Minerva (!!!), who kindly invite Harry to join them for dinner along with their beautiful, "modest," and "obedient" daughter Hermione Granger, who — inexplicably — has a different last name from the rest of her family.
"Hermione, why don't you show our newest student to the dormitory?" Dumbledore suggested wisely.
"I'd love to, daddy," Hermione replied obediently with an innocent, girlish smile; and got to her feet; and smoothed out the skirt of her becoming, pink frock. "Should I clean the kitchen first?"
"I can take care of that tonight," the reverend's wife answered indulgently; and she was already beginning to clear the elegant, porcelain dishes.
"Thank you, mommy!" Hermione shouted gratefully; and she walked over to Harry. "Would you please come with me?"
Harry blushed shyly; and got to his feet. His aunt had never taught him how to talk to pretty girls. She always said that pretty girls were shallow and not very smart and that a real woman put her career first and didn't care about her looks; but it only took one look at this godly young girl to realize just how wrong that was! A woman taking pride in her appearance is honoring the Lord; because after all, it is the Lord who gave her a pretty face and nice hair. Taking care of that is important! Harry got the feeling that Hermione was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside.
"She always said that pretty girls were shallow and not very smart and that a real woman put her career first and didn't care about her looks."
Um, TRUE. Aunt Petunia, would you like a job at Jezebel.com???
Unfortunately, PRETTY Hermione doesn't even put out:
"This is the boys' dormitory," the devout young woman explained kindly; and she gestured to the heavy, oak door beside them. "I would show you inside; but I would hate to cause a scandal."
"I understand," Harry declared graciously. Too many young men these days pressure young women into things undesired and forbidden. It is the mark of a true, old-fashioned gentleman to respect the fact that every young woman is another man's future wife. And we all know that it would be a dreadful, terrible sin to bring another man's wife into intimacy. Why does modern culture suddenly treat that as okay simply because he does not have her yet? Man's laws may permit it; but the laws of the Lord are not bound by time.
Also, they're 11.
In this version of Harry Potter, Voldemort isn't so worried about the purity of wizard bloodlines or killing off muggles. Instead, his main goal is to limit Christians' right to freely practice religion.
Soon it becomes clear that Grace Ann probably doesn't know even the basic outline of the original Harry Potter:
"So," Harry began nervously; and he bit into a thick, juicy slice of perfectly fried bacon. "What Sorting Hat do you think you will chose?"
In this version of events, Ron is a Slytherin (wrong), a.k.a Catholic. Luna Lovegood is a Hufflepuff (wrong), who I think are all Episcopalians or Unitarians, and Draco Malfoy is Ravenclaw (wrong), the religious equivalent of...something evil.
That was when a derisive laugh echoed through the cafeteria. A smug-looking young man about Harry's age with slicked-back hair even paler blond than Luna's and wearing a sweater vest and khakis strolled languidly down between the rows of tables.
"Please, ignore this fool," Draco drawled smugly. "Luna here thinks she can have a career even though she's a woman; and women are stupid."
Harry gaped at this horrible person. What a mean thing to say!
"Women shouldn't not have careers because women are stupid!" Harry shouted indignantly. "Women are not stupid at all! Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home!"
Gryffindors — who are all evangelical Protestants...maybe? — are the only true Christians in the story.
Again, there's a chance that the story is a parody, but I hope it's not. I don't know about you, but I really like the idea of Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles existing on the same website that hosts hundreds of stories about Draco and Harry butt fucking each other.
Image via Warner Bros