This woman’s name is so amazing I had to call the sheriff’ s department to confirm.

A Florida woman was arrested in May for shooting a missile into a vehicle. While this already raises some interesting questions (how did someone get access to a missile and why would she waste it on a car instead of selling it to the Russians?), what’s even more interesting is the woman’s name, which appears on her booking record as, well, here’s a photo:

While I couldn’t get any information on the actual arrest, I had to confirm that the name was real so I put on my reporter hat and started making phone calls. After talking to a worker who wouldn’t give me her name at the Florida Department of Law Enforcement, I was directed to the Polk County Sheriff’s Office, where I spoke with Sharon (not interested in talking to me) and Linda, tireless public servant, keeper of the records and star of this particular story.

Advertisement

Advertisement

Here’s how our conversation went:

Me: Hi, I’m calling to ask about the name of one of the people you booked and released in May.

Linda: Not yesterday?

Advertisement

Me: No, May.

Linda: Okay, what is her name?

Advertisement

Me: Crystal Metheney.

Linda: Hmmm. And what is your question, sir? (Linda calling me sir was the highlight of my day because usually my high-pitched nasal twang gets a “ma’am” or an “are your parents home?”)

Me: Is that her real name? And was she arrested for shooting a missile?

Linda: That’s what it says here.

Advertisement

Me: Not an alias?

Advertisement

Linda: No.

Me: That’s a pretty amazing name.

Advertisement

Linda: (Sighs) Sir, this is Florida. We have a lot of interesting names here.

It’s unlikely that we’ll ever know more about Metheney — she was released on a $5000 bond and is hopefully not using her money to buy any more missiles — but Linda will live on through the ages. In fact, if anyone deserves a sitcom (or a documentary on TRU TV) it’s Linda.

Premise from an editor: It will be a new FX sitcom starring Elisabeth Shue as Linda, a small-town florida sheriff trying to keep control of her team of madcap meth-fighting officers. Brilliant!

Advertisement

Advertisement

h/t: Hypervocal