This Week in Tabloids: Is Lionel Richie Khloe Kardashian's Real Father?
Welcome to Midweek Madness, in which you and I take our mortal clay to the Lord’s pottery wheel and gently shape a glittery turd to pass back and forth between our butts forever. This week, Ariana Grande refuses to shower after the gym; Lionel Richie created Khloe Kardashian out of his very own sperm-buddies; Bethenny Frankel brags about peeing in a champagne bucket at her own wedding reception; everyone brings their dogs to the clurb.
OK!
Hollywood Trainers Tell All!
Oh baby, the cover promises to tell us (1) Who exercises in 6-inch heels! (2) Who’s hooking up at the gym! (3) Who loves naked yoga! The answer to these questions holds an answer to three much larger and more important questions, which are (1) Who is their dealer! (2) What is the buy-in-bulk policy! (3) Should I wait an hour after the first lil bit or just GO ALL IN or ???!! Immediately upon mag’s opening, in the grand tradition of Having No Chill, OK! rehashes the theory that Bruce Jenner “wants to trade his medals for mammaries.” Why does he have to trade, though? CAN BRUCE JENNER HAVE IT ALL, “ALL” BEING BOTH HIS MEDALS AND HIS MAMMARIES OF THE ACCEPTABLY CISGENDER PAST? Breaking news: Heidi Klum “absolutely despises being called the C-word.” Fucking COUGAR, hissed the young zookeeper; he brushes off his khakis; he’s so tired of being hurt. Kris Jenner wants to be Selena Gomez’s manager. The pair has grown “inseparable,” which is really scary!! Depending on where they are fused the surgery could be VERY risky, please pray!! Lo Bosworth “joined Chobani in the fight to #StopSadBreakfast.” In the heat of battle, she ate something called “Yogurt Oats.” So brave! Megan Fox’s 2-year-old son Noah sleeps in between her and her husband, which means that “Brian doesn’t get any intimacy.” Under those circumstances, that sounds, legally, like the right thing to do. Jessica Biel wore a hoodie to the beach. Congratulations to Jessica Biel on her pregnancy and the traditional saving-of-the-marriage that will result! Ooh, here are the FITNESS SECRETS. Kelly Osbourne likes to Prancercise. (True for all humans.) Jennifer Aniston does naked yoga. (The queefs, though.) Shia LaBoeuf sounds “like he’s having an orgasm” when he lifts. *vomits for 13 minutes* WHERE WERE WE. Taylor Swift goes to the gym just to get smoothies and talk to boys. Stars, they’re just like us (if we ever went to the gym). In this Okay Magazine Fitness Spectacular, Ariana Grande is tagged “SMELL YA LATER” because her “Fresh Face” does not match her “Un-Fresh Pits.” She is paranoid about getting naked at the gym so she doesn’t shower. “Pee-ew!” muses the magazine, thoughtfully placing fountain pen to parchment. FUCK, THE IKEA MONKEY IS BACK, and is actually a GOOSE not a monkey, and is actually laying golden eggs so she has to go to prison for being a goose or something, and can’t get a divorce out of her non-goose husband Joe. Sick. Sofia Vergara’s workout philosophy is “no pain, no cake!” This is rhetorically vague: does it mean no pain AND no cake, or IF no pain THEN no cake? I prefer, in my personal life, neither.
Grade: C (the Board of Health grade given to Chobani “Yogurt Oats”)
InTouch
Khloe’s Real Father Finally Revealed
Let us begin with a tale of philanthropic betrayal: Katy Perry’s middle school boyfriend is auctioning off her love letters. In one of them Perry writes “PS. I like you a lot! Write back asap.” JEEZ, CHILL OUT, KATY. Proceeds from the sale will “go to charity,” presumably the charity of the bank account of Katy Perry’s middle school boyfriend. For the “LOL of the week,” Daniel Radcliffe is quoted saying, “The worst is when people cry.” I agree… LOL! Lea Michele tried to say hi to Jessica Lange on the red carpet and Jessica Lange pretended not to see. Hmmm, maybe Lea Michele is actually invisible in person? Dusk falls over the Michele house as the ghost takes her 479th selfie. “WEAR AM AYYYY,” sobs the ghost. “WEAR AMMMM AYYY?!!” Condolences to our very talented ghost. Let us celebrate the birthdays of Egypt, Levi, Olive and Deacon: 4, 10, 7 and 11 respectively although I think it’s more like “10 millennia,” “since the Gold Rush,” “approximately 6,000 years of horticulture” and “as old as Jesus.” Jennifer Lopez has a “killer figure.” *puts Jennifer Lopez’ figure on federal watch list* THE IKEA MONKEY IS MARRIED… TO “A SNAKE”! For this offense against the ancient bestial zodiac, she is going to prison. (??? Sorry, I am piecing this one together as I go.) Antichrist-in-beta-testing Stephen Collins claims he molested this one girl “accidentally” because he was wearing “pants with holes in them.” Best wishes to Stephen Collins as he attempts to purchase better pantaloons IN THE DEEPEST PIT OF HADES. Lionel Richie is DEFINITELY Khloe Kardashian’s dad, but also these four other guys Kris Jenner slept with could be Khloe’s dad. There are face comparisons like “You see, this man has a forehead……….” *crab-walks sideways down the bar to whisper directly in your ear “…..so does Khloe.” Jesus, fine, let me put everyone out of their misery and confess: I AM THE FATHER OF KHLOE KARDASHIAN. Please respect my privacy in this difficult time. Amanda Bynes is breaking, news. In Big Tween City, Selena Gomez will only get back together with Justin “if he puts a ring on it.” Like a toe ring or?? Nicole Kidman is dealing with a classic case of the “Traveling Ta-Tas.” It’s funny because like, the ta-tas shouldn’t fit all the different girls in the group, but through a moving and relatable narrative of teenage friendship: they do! 91% of people say they would not wear a satin turban. Number seems low. Someone named Josh Altman likes to have “a three-way make-out session” with his girlfriend and dogs before bed. He hangs up the phone and pats his dick, which is dressed in a party vest. “Don’t we have fun!” he chortles, deeply alone.
Grade: 782 (number of nightly selfies a ghost must take in order to make peace with immortality)
Life & Style
How I Lost 50 Lbs — In 8 Weeks!
Which year of the ’90s is this cover photo from? WHO HAS THE LOWEST BMI? They wore it best: forever! It costs $33,000 to fly first-class Emirates from LA to Dubai. We know this because of Khloe Kardashian, whose ticket cost was presumably sponsored by the Make-A-Wish-And-Maybe-People-Shut-Up-About-Ya-Daddy Foundation. AnnaLynne McCord has a cat named Mouse. Lizzie McGuire has a cat who will only drink fresh running water. “What a div!” she tweeted. Cover story: Christina Aguilera lost 40 pounds in two months. Just some absolutely huge news here: she lost the weight by slowly cutting off chunks of her thighs and midsection and launching them via a very large catapult into space! Just kidding, she lost the weight by donating her left kidney and the right half of her brain. Just kidding it was stupid ~fish and hot yoga~. The magazine congratulates her on the Puritan miracle that happens every time a rich person exerts themselves. “Christina could have easily used a chunk of her $130 million fortune on quick-fix plastic surgery,” marvels the writer. Every time you do something, you could have done something else: Life & Style, the magazine that blows open the big questions. Kate Middleton is “surrounded by members of the royal staff.” Okay….. “But are they the loyal staff?” There it is. So, Kate has been “literally locked” inside Kensington Palace and is concerned about WikiLeaks. “William, 32,” who is—double air quotes—”training for his job as an air ambulance pilot,” has vowed that “they will not rest until they find the spy.” Please pray for the royal couple as they deal with the crippling effects of sleep deprivation. (The spy has already been guillotined.) IKEA MONKEY BACK AND SHE CA$HING IN ON PRISON. She is planning on “making a mint.” Oh, like this kind! Cool, cool, gimme three dozen. Dean McDermott thinks Tori Spelling is “smothering” his “acting career” in “reality show cheese.” Is that like… a smegma thing… otherwise I would actually be grateful for a life partner who brings me dairy products unbidden? 75% of Life&Style readers think that the “timing is right” for another Bey-Z baby. 25% like YAAA SURE I CAN’T EVEN HEAR U VERY WELL TBH CAN I HAVE ANOTHER APPLETINI?? Michelle Williams is made to “admit” that she is in “the James Franco school” when it comes to reading. The evidence for this is that she’s been reading Grace Paley. #ReclaimPaley. Lily Collins is a turtle. An absolutely shocking revelation! Congratulations to this adorable little turtle for getting a short haircut and finally coming out of her shell. Miranda Kerr’s favorite karaoke song is “You’re Still The One.” Eh, that don’t impress me, etc. A reminder that Brad Pitt was only paid $6,000 for Thelma and Louise.
Grade: Whatever grade meat Hilary Duff’s cat likes (guessing either USDA “Choice” or “Select”)
US Weekly
How Kim Spoils North
Doesn’t Kim look pretty? Okay. We will never be royals, but we can pretend we are while we bang: Everyone on the British royal staff is Tindering and Grindring like crazy. The number of one-night stands on palace property is freaking Queen Elizabeth out! You like that shit? hisses a royal gardener. You like it when I call you Anne Boleyn? Some things you might not know about Scott Foley: (1) he goes to Home Depot “just to walk around” (2) every day he spends five minutes upside down on an inversion table (3) if it’s broken, he can “usually fix it.” *meditates for six hours on the unknowability of the soul* Bethenny Frankel peed in a champagne bucket during her wedding reception. VERY KINKY. Who is Bethenny Frankel? FUCK, THE IKEA MONKEY SURPRISED ME WITH A BIG PICTURE OF HER FACE. She is making late-night tapes for her daughters “with a glass of wine in hand,” sort of like Michelle Williams in the last season of Destiny’s Child. Wait. The other one. ♫ I DOWANNA WAIT, FOR THIS ALL TO BE OVAR ♫ Britney Spears and Mario Lopez ~fucked~ in Vegas in 2008, but the news is unfortunately now 2000 & wait what is Mario Lopez up to today anyway? Last I saw him was like on a cashier placemat at Duane Reade? John Mayer ordered a “caviar omelet” in Palm Springs. *spends 1 hour rereading Reddit thread with the groupie testimonial of John Mayer aggressively whispering Let me see your fucking butthole* Kylie Jenner “looks up to North West” because “she dresses so dope.” I look up to North West because she has a $40,000-per-weekend security team and she cries whenever she wants. Some 19-year-old on Duck Dynasty has married an 18-year-old he met at Christian camp. He found her engagement ring on her Pinterest, which I believe is just one part of the complicated, traditional mating ritual of the Mississippi Delta duck. The cast of the Walking Dead reveals which celebrities they would eat if they were cannibals: picks include Pamela Anderson, “someone I didn’t know,” and Rob Ford because of the “flavors.” NEVER BEEN A FAN OF THAT CRACK TASTE THOUGH. Ali Landry’s son will be a “choo-choo” for Halloween. This is part of a Halloween spread in which Emily Deschanel says she gives out “something vegan—like pretzels! Kids are excited to see them.” She’s right; I’ve never seen small children more excited than when confronted with HEART-HEALTHY VEGAN SNACKS.
Grade: Kindergarten (the last grade in which it is acceptable to say “choo-choo” to an adult)
Star
Jen & Ben: The Fight to End All Fights
Amanda Seyfried’s dog Finn comes to the set of Ted 2 and cries whenever Amanda is filming. “Sorry Amanda, but the star of this movie is a teddy bear, not a dog!” howls the paper’s eminence grise. Sorry, Star, the [firstname] of this movie is Seth McFarlane’s grotesquely overworked scrotum, not a bear! *writes treatment for blockbuster buddy comedy Finn 2* In other animal news, Lisa Vanderpump brought her Pomeranian to da clurb! The Pomeranian, named “Giggy,” wore dark blue velvet pajamas: I wanna be like Giggy. Cameron Diaz’s mom went to her crib and fixed her propane grill because she thinks that a better grill will make Benji Madden propose marriage. Cameron Diaz and 1/4 Good Charlotte have been dating for five months. Orlando Bloom sent Margot Robbie a teddy bear and she “told him where to go” (BACK TO MIDDLE-EARTH). Shia LaBoeuf blah blah Kate Mara “sharing sweets” “looked lovingly into each other’s eyes” HOLD UP did we know Shia’s ex-girlfriend’s name is “MIA GOTH”? *changes name to Jia Goth* Bennifer Garnfleck are probably breaking up because it is impossible by the laws of physics to maintain a romantic relationship in Hollywood’s thick, nasty beef-and-silicone stew. Evidence includes Ben making Blake Lively shoot a sex scene on the first day of filming The Town; strains include life, children, work, money, human bodies, the difficult fact of existence, and the insanely pretty “Blurred Lines” girl. Jennifer Lawrence’s high school friend sold a bunch of old pictures to Star. All of them are very cute and winning, but together comprise a photo-set of damning evidence that Jennifer Lawrence has been manipulatively fabricating her postfeminist, pernicious Cool Girl image since birth. (Also apparently once in middle school a girl tried to make J-Law hand out invites to her birthday party, but didn’t actually invite J-Law, so J-Law just threw all the invitations away. *high-fives J-Law*) IS KYLIE JENNER “MATURE ENOUGH TO HANDLE PART-TIME MOMMY DUTIES”? Her new boyfriend Tyga has a two-year-old boy, whose name is “King Cairo.” Kylie Jenner deffffffinitely not ready to be a mother to a child named King Cairo; to be fair, no one could ever be ready for that. Kanye bought a bottle of champagne for a bachelorette party eating at the same restaurant as him. He then zip-lined away. Iggy Azalea hopes pesky photographers get Ebola. Wouldn’t you rather wish it on an enemy that is not always in your personal space? Kate Moss has the creepy-ass honor of having a champagne glass modeled after her “left breast.” Not the right one?
Grade: A+ (Pomeranians in the club)
Addendum:
Fig 1. Star
Fig 2. Life & Style
Fig 3. Life & Style
Fig 4. OK!
Fig 5. Life & Style