Men's Health Is Revealing All Of Your Secrets, Ladies

Ladies, we have a lot of secrets. We keep them, as you know, in the giant maxi-pad shaped compartment locked securely within Fort Vagina somewhere outside of Tennessee. But alas! One of our own is spilling our secrets!

Men’s Health, happy to obtain such hush-hush information, is running our secrets in a piece titled, “25 Secrets She Wishes You Knew,” which is an outrage, really, because I was under the impression that none of us were allowed to spill the following:

Secret 4

Manicures and pedicures are a woman’s gift to her man. I love looking pretty for you. The time to worry is when I stop going for them.

Well, damn! This secret was so secret that I didn’t even know about it! I’ve spent 29 years believing that manicures and pedicures were my gift to myself in order to be able to wear sandals without feeling like I should curl my toes up, Wicked Witch of the East under the house style. But now I know that every time I paint my nails, it is a gift to the man in my life, who, I’m assuming, feels like he’s blessing me as well every time he clips his toenails.

Secret 6

I remember the shirt you were wearing when you first said, “I love you.” The fact that you don’t makes me question whether you meant it.

Is there an address where a woman has to submit her official resignation to the sisterhood? Because I don’t remember what my partner was wearing yesterday, much less when he said “I love you” for the first time. And I”m sure he doesn’t remember, either, and I don’t particularly care. Or at least I didn’t think I was supposed to care. But now the secret’s out! And the wedding is off! How dare we not remember sartorial details in the face of love? We are the worst. Shame on us. Shame on all of you who fell in love and didn’t write down what you were wearing in your diary.

Secret 12

Spontaneously kiss my neck from behind, and I might let you stay back there for a while.

Or I might be freaked out by the unexpected neck-attack and turn around and accidentally kick you in the leg. There’s a time and a place, you know?

Secret 13

Yes, my girlfriend knows what we did last night. We share everything, including that.

Oh, dear. This woman can’t even keep her inability to keep a secret a secret!

Granted, not every “secret” the author of this piece “spills” is terrible, but the fact that she framed it as “universal” is a bit off-putting, as not every woman does her nails for her man, or enjoys being spontaneously back-neck kissed, or runs to tell her girlfriends all of the intimate details of her previous evening, and it’s irritating when things like this are presented to men as an official guide to the ladies, much like it’s irritating for men, I’m sure, when Cosmo insists that all dudes really like it when you stick your finger up their behind. Some might! But not all of them do! And that, I guess, is the best thing to keep in mind whenever any dating advice comes about. What might be true for one person is certainly not true for another. And if you really want to know something about someone you’re dating, your best bet might just be to ask them. And now I’ve said too much! Back to the maxi-pad vaults with all this lady-talk, eh?