Images via Instagram

WAGS Miami is still really happening. In this next installment of the E! anthropological docu-series, we will explore the inane hierarchy of the wives, and girlfriends of professional athletes, this time, in the city of Miami.

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This makes sense namely because most of the athletes on the show play for teams in Florida, so this is a natural evolution of the WAGS brand.

The ladies in Miami have your typical WAGS aesthetic of nude bodycon dresses, contouring and lip injections. Unlike Los Angeles, I’m predicting many more maxi dresses and a lot more, um body and facial augmentation. Also, abs. Dear lord, abs.

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Here are your WAGS.

Hencha Voigt

Images via Instagram

From E!:

Hencha Voigt fell in and out of love with an NBA star, previously of the Boston Celtics. With a long roster of pro-athletes she’s dated, including former Miami Heat and Miami Marlins stars, Hencha is currently single and hitting the VIP party scene hard. As a fitness model and trainer, she’s been featured in numerous music videos, the TV series “Ballers,” several films, crushed many fashion runways and modeled commercially. Hencha and Metisha plan to launch a clothing line together.

It’s sort of interesting how her ex-boyfriend is not named though I’m certain we’ll find out who he is once the show starts. Some initial thoughts on Hencha: She has some very intense abs, nice hair and excellent eyebrows. It’s hard to ascertain too much else as her Instagram is comprised almost entirely of selfies, pictures of her swimwear line and shots of her abs. It should be noted, however, that she and a man named Wesley Victor were arrested last week for allegedly trying to extort YouTube vlogger YesJulz for $18,000 in exchange for her nude photographs. Hencha appeared to weigh in on the arrest vaguely on Twitter with the following:

Good luck, girl.

Claudia Sampedro

Images via Instagram

Claudia Sampedro and Julius Peppers, outside linebacker of the Green Bay Packers are inseparable. They’ve merged their blended families with an 8-month-old son together, and a 7-year-old daughter and son from each of their previous relationships. Having modeled for Maxim, FHM and many other major outlets, Claudia is famous for her insane six-pack abs and incredible booty. She’s closing in on almost one million Instagram followers.

I believe this is the very first time I’ve actually recognized the name of one of the athletes on WAGS. So, congratulations to the happy couple for being moderately famous as determined by Kara Renee Brown. Although they don’t appear to be married, because Julius is likely well paid, Claudia will probably assume the role of the Chief Wife on Miami. (In the original WAGS, that position is unofficially held by Sasha Gates. Though, she’s actually a wife.) Also, Claudia clearly joined this program for the sole reason of upping her Instagram numbers. (Speaking of, would we really call 933,000 “almost one million” followers?)

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I already appreciate Claudia for looking exactly like what I assumed a Miami WAG would look like. Her abs are, indeed, bananas, but the booty? Incredible? I’m going to go with nah mostly because it almost certainly isn’t real.

Can’t wait to watch her not eat any carbs all season.

Vanessa Cole

Vanessa Cole is a real estate and business investor who has spent seven years with a major player on the Baltimore Ravens. Vanessa knows she needs to look out for herself in the WAG world, as she’s starting her own luxury concierge service while still navigating family life with two children whose father is one of the highest paid wide receivers in the NFL.

The curious case of Vanessa Cole. An Instagram page associated with her name seems to have been removed at some point and I couldn’t find any other photos of her except for this one which I’m not completely sure is real.

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I did discover that her man is someone named Mike Wallace who is horrible at Twitter.

Unlike his WAG, Mike does appear to be a real person.

This is weird!

Ashley Nicole Roberts

Images via Instagram

Ashley Nicole Roberts met Philip Wheeler, a linebacker for the Atlanta Falcons over seven years ago when he was playing football for the Colts. A professional model, active in the ARMY Reserve and mother of their 2-year-old son, Ashley is no stranger to staying strong in the heat of the moment. After posting to Instagram a photo of her breastfeeding her son, she received national backlash and garnered major media attention. Despite the negative reaction, she doesn’t pay attention to the haters and focuses on doing her thing.

Ashley loves a filter and is giving me B-list Ciara which I’m sure is intentional. I think Ashley is going to be an interesting one if only for the fact that she legitimately is in the ARMY Reserve which tells me she probably has a bit more sense than the average WAG.

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She and her not-husband actually seem rather sweet and unlike most of these ladies, he actually includes her on his social media.

If you’re wondering about the “major media attention,” don’t. I assumed this breastfeeding debacle was somewhat recently because why else would she include it in her bio? Turns out that happened two years ago and I’m not sure that a page and a half of Google results can be described as “major” anything.

Still, for some reason I’m drawn to Ashley her and predict that she’ll be the only one I truly like. Relatedly, is there any bread within the Miami city limits???

Darnell Nicole

Images via Instagram

Darnell Nicole and Reshad Jones, current safety of the Miami Dolphins have known each other for five years and have a 2-year-old daughter together. They met prior to Reshad being drafted into the NFL, so Darnell strongly felt like she deserved more and finally got the ring. Shifting her focus on planning the wedding, her new concerns are hoping he actually goes through with it.

They met prior to Reshad being drafted into the NFL, so Darnell strongly felt like she deserved more and finally got the ring

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They met prior to Reshad being drafted into the NFL, so Darnell strongly felt like she deserved more and finally got the ring

They met prior to Reshad being drafted into the NFL, so Darnell strongly felt like she deserved more and finally got the ring

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They met prior to Reshad being drafted into the NFL, so Darnell strongly felt like she deserved more and finally got the ring

I legitimately have no clue what that sentence means. However, it is a very big ring.

I don’t see a wedding band on her finger so I’m guessing homeboy didn’t marry her this season so Darnell is probably continuing to stew away in fiancé purgatory.

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While very cute, she seems a tad boring—a bit Autumn circa Season 1. I am also very worried about the amount of hair she has sewn onto her head.

Astrid Bavaresco

Astrid Bavaresco is a swimsuit designer with her first major show at Swim Week. Miami fashion is all about the sexy swimsuits, so this is make or break for her career. A huge fan of Facetime, she utilizes the social media app to check up on her men when she’s not single. Unbeknownst to them, when she asks for a tour of their hotel suites, she is really looking to see if the “other side” of the bed has been slept on. Trust is a hurdle she is currently working through. Her roster of ex’s feature pros from the Miami Dolphins, Detroit Lions and Pittsburgh Steelers.

I’m having a difficult time caring about Astrid mostly because she seems like a nutso who will spend the entire season as a wannabe NFL Nancy Drew trying to find out if her nonexistent boyfriend is cheating on her. Actually, I just changed my mind. That sounds great.

Metisha Schaefer

Metisha Schaefer is a model fluent in not only five languages but also WAG, after dating former pro baseball and football players. Nicole Williams, fellow Los Angeles WAG is Metisha’s ex’s new girl. Both ladies recently hung out but still have strained relations since he allegedly cheated with Nicole while he was still with Metisha. She’s ready for the right man to step up to the plate.

Now this is going to be interesting. As a reminder, the ex they have in common is Larry English and despite this clever wordplay, it is rather obvious that Larry almost definitely cheated on Metisha with Nicole which explains A LOT about Nicole’s obsessive paranoia about Larry cheating on her.

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Let’s just say, it’s clear Larry has a type.

Images via Instagram
Images via Instagram
Images via Instagram

Here’s hoping for a crossover episode where Nicole and Metisha pretend to be friends while Larry not-so-subtly guns for a threesome. I’d put money on that.

WAGS Miami premieres October 2nd on E!.