Meet My New Best Friend, a Giant Duck-Eating Catfish 

A German town is looking for someone with some way to evict a giant catfish who’s eaten all his fellow fish in a city-owned pond—and begun to eat the ducks. I will solve this problem by inviting this cool guy to become my roommate and wildest pal.

The Associated Press has the report, with very few details, every one of which is precious to me, a woman who would love to become close (and PLATONIC) friends with this giant fish:

The roughly 1.5-meter (4.9-foot) fish has been making waves in Offenbach, near Frankfurt. News agency dpa reported that the city government said Monday that it has found a professional angler to catch the fish, first seen about a year ago, but a formal contract has yet to be signed.

They see a nuisance; I see a companion for any and all capers. Late-night movies, sporting events, eventful and hilarious nights on the town made more eventful and hilarious by my most adventurous friend who’ll do anything for a laugh and a good time.

They’re hoping to remove this champ to a “private pond somewhere,” but “officials will first have to be satisfied that it can’t escape into flowing water and that its new home is suitable for a catfish.” Sounds like my bathtub!