Married Thirtysomethings Test-Drive Seventeen's Ultimate Guide to Guys

A publicist emailed me recently and asked me if she could send me this book and I said “Sure, as long as I can make fun of it from the point of view of a married person who is literally twice that age.” “Sounds interesting!” she replied diplomatically, and sent me the book anyway.

Sadly, as I perused the book, I didn’t find that much to make fun of. Mostly, I felt grateful that I am 34 and married and am not a teenager anymore (and most importantly, did not come of age during a texting era, because that just seems to add additional angst.) But since I am intrepid, I found three different experiments to test on my husband that the Seventeen Ultimate Guide to Guys promised would be super enlightening and maybe even make him go OMG WTF ILU.

Test One: “Girls Guys Love.”

“You have celeb crushes and so does he! Find out who dudes dig, then steal their moves!”

My test: asking my 35-year-old husband what he thinks of the five ladies listed on the page whom various 18- and 19-year-old-guys dig, and then try to emulate them as necessary.

Steve on Demi Lovato: “She’s got ‘big-tooth.'”

Steve on Zendaya: “She’s happy. She’s showing off her shirt.”

Steve on Ashley Tisdale: “She looks like she’s kissing a tray that isn’t there.”

Me: “But is she attractive?”

Steve: “No. She looks like she’s had a lot of plastic surgery and [is wearing a lot of] makeup.”

Steve on Emma Watson: “She’s got too much makeup on.”

Steve on Megan Fox: “She’s all right.”

Conclusion: I can just be myself, or maybe a little bit like Megan Fox.

Test Two: “20 Ultimate Date Ideas!

“When you’re both stumped on what to do, just check one of these super-fun ideas off your list.”

My test: asking my 35-year-old husband how super-fun these date ideas sound to him.

Rock Climbing! “No. I don’t know how to rock climb. It’s too dangerous.”

A Sports Game: “I love sports game! I hope my sports player is playing.”

A High Ropes Course! “I don’t know what that means.” [I explain.] “Why would you do that? No, I don’t want to do that.”

Going for Ice Cream! “That’s good. That’s perfect. That’s the date that keeps giving.”

A Museum: “Sure.”

A Playful Paintball Sesh: “No. I’m not a nerd.”

A Rooftop Picnic: “That’s terrible! They shouldn’t be telling kids that they should be up on the roof. Roofs are expensive and you shouldn’t be up on the roof if you don’t have to.”

A Scary Movie! “No, I don’t like scary movies.”

Build-A-Bear: “That’s fun. You’re dating a two-year-old.”

A Video Game Tournament: “That’s something a girl would like to go to, right?”

In conclusion: thankfully, older men do not seem that interested in what younger men (or what women think younger men) like to do.

Test Three: “‘OMG!’ Hookups

“Warning: for bold kissers only! The boyfriends of Seventeen readers reveal what they really think about these four out-of-the-box smooches.”

My test: seeing how a 35-year-old man feels about four OMG hookups, which are ranked on a scale from two to five kiss marks.

The Butterfly Kiss: “When you’re kissing your guy, change things up: Pull away and flutter your eyelashes against his cheek or temple.”

Steve: “How were those two things conencted? I just didn’t know what was happening.”

The Ice Cube Kiss: “Put an ice cube in your moouth for one minute, then kiss. It feels great because his mouth is hot and yours is so cold!”

Steve: “What is the guy supposed to do for that one minute?”

Me: “It’s cold!”

Steve: “It’s ice! I don’t think you’re ready for a boyfriend.”

[We kiss]

Me: “Was that sexy?”

Steve: “No. It just feels like you have cold-mouth.”

The Blindfold Kiss: “I loosely tied my scarf around my boyfriend’s eyes, gave him a few light kisses on his cheek, and then moved to his forehead and his mouth.”

Steve: “I liked that one the best. I didn’t have to wait around.”

The Hide-And-Seek Kiss: “I hid a mint in the back of my mouth, then challenged my guy to get it out! Use a small mint because it is harder to find and will keep the game going!”

Me: “That was weird. And awkward.”

Steve: “At least I got a mint out of it.”

Me: “Was that OMG?”

Steve: “No.”

In conclusion: Older men are suspicious of fancy kissing.

Overall, I’m not sure that the Seventeen Ultimate Guide to Guys helped me that much in terms of figuring out what my guy really thinks about flirting, dating, relationships and me, but we had a few laughs trying to figure it out. Thanks, Seventeen! You are definitely OMG.