• Unsolicited Uterus Update! Penelope Cruz is filming the new Pirates Of The Caribbean movie, and this paper claims that she seems to have "a bump beneath her rigging."

• In the crazed Mel Gibson phone rant du jour, he berates Oksana Grigorieva for falling asleep before having sex with him, saying, "I'll burn the goddamn house up, but blow me first! How dare you?"

• Susan Sarandon, the self-described "Johnny Appleseed of ping-pong," is working on a reality show about her ping-pong nightclub SPiN, and the young players trying to make it to the Olympics. "It won't be the Jersey Shore," says Susan.

• Bret Michaels has been asked to be a judge on American Idol next season, now that he's decided to stop being creepy and retire his reality "dating" show. [Detroit Free Press]

• Last week, Dr. Drew said that he believes that Lindsay Lohan needs help; now Lindsay has told GossipCop:

• While filming The Last Song, Miley Cyrus' mom and grandma would watch her kissing scenes with current boyfriend Liam Hemsworth. "I don't know who had a bigger crush on him at the beginning, my mom or me," said Cyrus.

• After six years on Grey's Anatomy, Katherine Heigl is jumping ship.

• Oh, snap: Heidi Montag says: "No longer is my husband the face of my business or managing my career."

• Corey Feldman says he was woken up today by his brother and sister who, "Informed me of the loss of my brother Corey Haim. My eyes weren't even open all the way when the tears started streaming down my face."

[Los Angeles, January 31. Image via Getty.]

• Last night Samantha Ronson got pissed when the paparazzi followed her to a tattoo parlor in L.A. with her stepbrother Alexander Jones. "Why are you here?" Sam asked. "She told you to come here? She told you to come here?"

• Jennifer Lopez is suing her ex-husband Ojani Noa for $10 million and demanding he stop production of the film How I Married Jennifer Lopez, which includes video of the couple in "sexual situations" on their honeymoon.

• Nicole Kidman to British GQ: "I've explored obsession. I've explored loss and love in terms of being in a grief-stricken place, I've explored strange sexual fetish stuff…"

• No one saw this coming: Jon Gosselin dumped Hailey Glassman on the advice of his spiritual advisor, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. "They're taking a break," said an insider, "[Jon] decided he needed to spend some time on his own." [Extra]

[Los Angeles, August 28. Image via Getty.]

• Jude Law got someone pregnant, but not Rachel McAdams' sister Kayleen — her rep (she's a makeup artist) says "She has never even met him." [Star]
• So. The mother of Jude Law's unborn spawn is:

• Sadness: Slumdog Millionaire actress Rubina Ali has allegedly been placed up for adoption sale by her father, who offered the girl to an undercover reporter posing as a sheik for roughly 270,000 pounds. [DailyMail]

• Michael Jackson is dying, according to the oh-so-reliable National Enquirer.