Man Discovers That Russian Women Don't Want To Bang Russian Guys

Ever wanted to read an-almost 1,000 word piece about how women in Russia are totally horny for foreign men? Well. Today’s your lucky day.

Yahoo’s Martin Rogers discovered all kinds of Russian romantic Baba Yagary going on in and around the Sochi Olympics. For example: did you know that Russian women are canny schemers who pretend like they have many problem with the English until it comes time to close? Always Be Doing The Closing, that’s the motto of female Olympic volunteers.

After a few minutes of idle chatter, I asked her what her favorite memory of the Olympics would be. “The people I met,” she said thoughtfully, starting a narrative that began like it came from the “Politically Correct Things That Volunteers Should Say to Nosy Journalists” handbook. But then she flipped the script.

“Actually, the men I met,” she added in near-perfect English. “I know what I want now. I want to marry a foreign man.”

NEAR PERFECT ENGLISH! NEAR! PERFECT! Is there anything more treacherous than a woman who speaks near perfect English?

Do these marriage-starved Ruskies find themselves drawn to any specific foreign men? Doesn’t matter, as long as they’re not Russian.

Anya liked Italian men but couldn’t figure out why. Olga thought Americans were “cool.” Irina used to date a British man and thought he was “great like Hugh Grant but a little more boring.” Anna said the Dutch were tall. But is that a good thing? “Maybe, but only if his teeth are correct,” she added.

Give Russia your tired, your poor, your short, your emotionally stunted, your hairy Italian, your bald spot, your halitosis. Your 25-year-old “ad executive” who actually has a serious girlfriend. According to Rogers, Russia heaves aloft its golden torch of welcome.

“At first I thought I noticed it from the volunteers and didn’t think much of it because they’re supposed to smile at you and be friendly,” said 25-year-old Carl, an advertising executive who fulfilled a long-held ambition by visiting Russia for the Games. “But then I realized it was a lot more than that, too. I don’t want to sound arrogant – I’m OK looking – but honestly, this is awesome.”

Carl is a bit of a cad, caddish enough that Carl isn’t his real name. He asked for it to be changed because he is dating someone back home – “Kind of seriously,” he said – but that hasn’t stopped him from arranging dinner with a young Russian student he met in the Olympic Park, leaving him to frantically figure out if there is a Russian version of Yelp to look for Sochi restaurants.

Carl is a bit of cheating on his girlfriend with a “Russian student” he just met in a park. Let’s call that something adorably exculpatory: a cad. A little bit of a cad. Just prancing through fields of Russian pussy, all carefree and such.

Unlike Carl, however, this American reporter who spent days asking Russian women about their love lives is not doing any flirting whatsoever. He’s happily married to a wonderful woman and is a little bit of a decent human being.

This is clearly marvelous news for the single male traveler. I don’t fall into that category – I’m happily married to a wonderful woman – yet it was still intriguing. Can a nation’s female population suddenly turn against its males, like some kind of sci-fi intra-colony gender mutiny?

Yes. Exactly like a sci-fi intra colony gender mutiny. Great lesson learning. Take the rest of the day off.