Dear, dear friends, we gather together today to mourn the untimely disemboweling of Jeffrey Wells, film critic, rent asunder “like a wildebeest being surrounded and torn apart by hyenas or wild dogs” by the “P.C. Twitter goons.” Wells’ crime was to bravely tweet that women would be too scared to see a movie.

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Here’s Wells, who writes a very cute little blog called Hollywood Elsewhere, on The Revenant, Leo DiCaprio’s grisly, blood-soaked, heavily bearded Oscar bait:

Wells responded to the subsequent Twitter criticism by saying he was merely “reporting” that women would be too skurred, as evidenced by the fact that the female critic he sat next to didn’t like it.

Nothing like the phrase “career woman” to let us know how firmly you inhabit the present day. And of course Wells was quick to add he wasn’t talking about every woman, just suburban women lacking his gritty urban sensibilities.

When that failed to quell the Twitter storm, Wells blogged angry—never blog angry—to complain that the PC hordes basically murdered him like a pack of wild dogs:

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Every time this happens, I feel like a wildebeest being surrounded and torn apart by hyenas or wild dogs. May I apologize for tapping out those words, or would you rather just continue to circle and bite and snarl and tear my stomach open, o ye fucking fang-toothed predators?

Agreed — I shouldn’t have said that. “Forget women seeing this” is a gross simplification. I’m down on my knees and whining like a little piglet….”wheee!…wheee!…I’m sorry…I’m sorry!” If I had given the matter 15 or 20 seconds worth of thought I would have rephrased and qualified in some way. I’m not stupid, and I know that generalizations always get you into trouble.

But if you had been watching The Revenant with a friend who was shielding her eyes every five or ten minutes and even going into a curled-over, fetal-tuck position at times, literally bending over and almost chirping like a chipmunk during the extra-violent or extra-gross scenes and being such a total candy-ass that I nudged her a couple of times (“Pssst…c’mon, show some respect for the filmmaker!”), what would you have been thinking? And what if you’d heard a fellow female journalist, sitting two seats away, call it “brutal“? And what if you’d been told by a fellow male journalist after the screening that his wife “wouldn’t last five minutes with this thing,” what would you be saying to yourself?

The larger issue here, of course, isn’t the savagery evident in the film, but the savagery of Twitter, a pack of bloodthirsty, throat-slitting, sexually fluid gender fascists:

Twitter fascists will kill anyone who suggests there’s such a thing as movies with a gender-centric appeal because it argues with their non-denominational view of things in which everyone is everything and there are no gender-centric movies because it’s sexist to even use that term because 2015 is all about, you know, sexual fluidity and the coolest people being non-binary and all that. God help the free thinker who steps outside of accepted p.c. doctrine because the knives will come out and your throat will be slit faster than a chicken’s.

It’s a fascist dictatorship out there, and if you don’t step very carefully you’ll be stabbed and clubbed and the dogs will lick your blood.

Based on the anecdotal evidence which I’ve observed just now, but which I’m certain must hold universally true, Twitter is simply too cruel and too violent for men.


Contact the author at anna.merlan@jezebel.com.

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