“I have a taste for luxury and luxury has a taste for me,” says Sonja Morgan in her Real Housewives of New York Season 3 tagline. Surely, you have a friend or loved one who can relate. These are gifts for the “DE-LUUUU-SION-AL,” party-loving Sonja with a sexy J in your life.
A rich person’s vibrator
“Too opulent” is not a phrase that exists in your friend’s vocabulary, so why apply it to a sex toy? Give your fancy, orgasm-hungry pal the gift of gold-plated D with this 24-karat gold OLGA vibrator by LELO so that they can blow their load like the Upper East Side elite. If the $3,490 price tag is too much for you, you can always go for one of their slightly more budget-friendly luxury models. Or, if you really don’t want to spend any money but like the idea, just get them a used DVD of Austin Powers: Goldmember and a bottle of lube. It’s not like you’re made of money. (LELO, $3,490)
A personal assistant
The Amazon Echo is a speaker/voice assistant that can both play your music and answer questions about just about anything: your schedule, your questionable business holdings in Dubai, the weather and traffic for your trip to Atlantic City, or whether or not John-John Kennedy is still alive.
To quote my colleague Mario Aguilar at Gizmodo, “When you say the wake word ‘Alexa,’ it starts listening and you can ask it for information or to perform any of a number of tasks...Its got what Amazon calls ‘far-field recognition’ that allows you to talk to it from across the room. It eliminates the clumsiness of assistants like Siri and Google Now that you have to be right on top of.”
While it’s true that Amazon Echo has neither the human-shape or youthful glow of one of Sonja’s unpaid interns, it’s actually legal to make it work 24-hours a day and it can never sue you for violating labor law. (Amazon Echo, $179)
A toaster oven that’s actually been produced and is on the market
If being Sonja is so wrong, why does it feel so right? Maybe your pal’s line of toaster ovens never came out despite your coaching and the hours that you put into helping them launch their brand, but that doesn’t mean they should go with cold food (to match their cold townhouse) this holiday season! Get them a different kind of toaster oven—one that’s useful and actually exists. (Breville BOV800XL Smart Oven 1800-Watt Convection Toaster Oven with Element IQ, $239.88)
In these curséd depraved times, you can—through a handy Google search—find a dance or fitness studio that offers a beginners burlesque class, usually for about $15 a session. Let your loved one tap into their inner Sonja by giving them the tools they need to create their own “caburlesque” performance. If they happen to live out in the boonies or are too shy for classes, you can always settle for an instructional DVD pack. If you really want to go the extra mile, throw in a gift card for Frederick’s of Hollywood to help them find the perfectly trashy burlesque outfit. (Prices vary.)
A tiara (and a Netflix subscription)
If there’s one thing we learned on the last season of RHONY, it’s that yes, it IS about Tom. If there are two things we learned, it’s that AND the fact that Sonja loves Netflix and occasionally watches it while wearing a tiara. Give your friend the gift of unlimited streaming and the elegant headwear they’ve always deserved! (Netflix, $7.99-$11.99/month; rhinestone tiara, $19.99)
Grey Gardens (The Criterion Collection)
This Maysles brothers’ documentary tells the story of Edith Ewing Bouvier Beale (Big Edie) and her daughter Edith Bouvier Beale (Little Edie), rich socialites-turned-broke shut-ins who lived together in Grey Gardens, their filthy, crumbling, and derelict estate in the Hamptons until Big Edie’s death in 1977. You don’t have to explicitly tell your friend that you’re trying to warn them about the dangers of delusions of grandeur and extravagant spending, but hopefully they’ll take the hint. (Grey Gardens (The Criterion Collection), $30.25)
An appointment with a financial advisor
Cost will vary, but the lesson will be priceless.