The pharmaceutical industry works like the women's magazine industry: attractive people telling you what's wrong with you and how they can fix it in a super underminer-y way so as to send you shame-spiraling toward a lifelong cycle of dependence. Okay, so: Ambien. Why ever would we need it? We consulted Pillhead, who said: "You only think you don't need them because you drink yourself to sleep every night." But only because of the Adderall! "And why do you think my doctor wrote both prescriptions at the same time?" she replied. "Because he's a pawn of the pharmaceutical industry's conspiracy to invent new First World diseases because there's no money in curing the old Third World ones!" we responded, reflexively. And then we felt a sharp pang in our liver. (Whoever said you can't feel your liver wasn't an alcoholic.) After the jump, Pillhead finds eternal love with Ambien after a brief dalliance with Lunesta leaves a bad taste in her mouth.