Lucky's Idea of 'Almost Every Body Type' Is Laughable

It’s summer, and you know what that means: Three straight months of swimsuit fuckery!

BuzzFeed points out a real gem from Lucky magazine, which touts “The Perfect: The Triangle Bikini That Works for Almost Every Body Type.” No, there has not been a mix-up in the photo department; Lucky apparently thinks that red bandana up top is well-nigh universally flattering:

“The design is refreshingly simple,” says Lucky executive fashion director Alexis Bryan Morgan. “It’s completely fuss-free—no padding, boning, ruffles or bows—and the fact that you can adjust the string ties precisely how you want them means it works on most shapes.”

Now, the string ties do certainly sound appealing, and no doubt that’s a great solution for some ladies. However, if I tried to roll over in the swimsuit pictured, my tits would fall out. Plop. Because not everyone has breasts with the structural integrity of the Pantheon. Forget flattering—how’s that even supposed to stay when you jump in the swimming pool? Not to mention it’s not going to fit any body that American Apparel deems larger than an “XL.”

I mean, how did Lucky even arrive at this conclusion? Perhaps the photos they’ve chosen to illustrate the universal appeal of this bikini will provide a clue:

Are they trolling us right now?

The best part is, they’ve tossed in a photo of a different, underwire offering from American Apparel. So apparently the top doesn’t even work for the narrow range of bodies they apparently consider “almost” everyone:

Honestly, though, this is every “trends for every body!” story ever, writ in miniature. “The three pairs of jeans every woman NEEDS” makes a pretty good cover line, and if I claimed I’d never bought a magazine on a similar promise I would be lying. But that headline is just a damn joke if you’re not going to include a broader array of bodies, and disaffection with this sort of limited approach is just driving readers to fashion bloggers. Why screw around with Lucky when I know good and well Gabi Gregg is more likely to provide me with a useful recommendation?