If anyone ever decides to do a Real Housewives-themed remake of The Godfather, I think we’ve found our Vito Corleone in LuAnn “The Don” de Lesseps, because when you mess with her man, she will storm out of the restaurant before she’s even finished her hot toddy.

Advertisement

As LuAnn continues her love drunk tour through Manhattan, she’s not taking too kindly to her friends pointing out that her fiancé is kind of a floozy. It’s actually not a bad thing—Luann herself is a lovable floozy! They seem like a good match, but let’s not act like everyone doesn’t see what’s happening here.

Wednesday night’s episode consisted of LuAnn (in a deeper voice than usual) growling and rolling her neck over why her friends can’t just be happy that she’s about to marry a man she’s known for a month, who used to date her friends and up until a couple weeks ago was still buying gifts for other women. DON’T THESE HEARTLESS HARPIES UNDERSTAND LOVE?

Advertisement

To be fair, I think everyone is actually happy for Luann. Or, rather, they’re relieved that now she’ll stop jumping in on every man they come into contact with. Still, she’s being annoying as hell.

People who are blindly in love can be annoying, but they don’t all come with the dramatic hair flips and the crazed giggles and the complete inability to go more than thirty seconds without mentioning Tom’s name. (Relatedly, if this is how she’s behaving over some 49 year-old bachelor, can you imagine what LuAnn was like when she met The Count?) There’s also the fact that when asked about Tom, LuAnn immediately drops in that he lives in a penthouse because everybody knows real estate is the quickest way into the heart of a Countess.

I’m not saying Tom is a bad guy, but personally, I’m skeptical of successful men who have never been married and have no children. Just doesn’t compute for me. Clearly LuAnn and I do not share the same concerns when it comes to men or jewelry.

Advertisement

Sponsored

The main event of the episode was Dorinda’s dinner party, because they needed to fill the time that would have been used for the now-cancelled trip to Mexico. It is at this random get-together that Sonja finally clarifies for the room that, yes, she has been hooking up with Tom for something like a DECADE.

LuAnn somehow has the gall to then suggest that Sonja had “no relationship with Tom” because they weren’t technically a couple. But, like, I dunno, man. Ten years of banging is practically a marriage to us millennials.

It’s not that LuAnn shouldn’t marry him because he had lots of sex with one of her close friends, but her lack of acknowledgment of the situation is bizarre. I seems like Tom did not give her the full picture about his dalliances, so she’s probably embarrassed. Of course, it’s also much easier to get mad at Sonja and Ramona than the man with the Upper East Side terrace. Also, I’m not convinced that LuAnn has truly listened to the sound of a voice other than her own this entire season.

Advertisement

In unrelated news, Bethenny’s uterus is still bleeding, Ramona is turning into some sort of old Manhattan dame going on about the good ol’ days of diaphragms and brassieres and—thank the lord—we didn’t have to see John’s face for an entire episode.

Screenshot via Bravo.