Though it was thought to be lost forever, BBC News reports that a cantata written by Austrian icon Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and his frenemy Antonio Salieri was recently discovered in Prague and performed publicly for the first time in 200 years. Though this should have been cause for celebration by Mozieri stans around the world, I must admit that the track is a massive disappointment.

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The song, entitled “For the Recovered Health of Ophelia,” lacks depth; it is so shallow that Ophelia herself would have been unable to drown herself in its tidal pool of e•mo•tions. And though the inherent tinniness of a harpsichord makes the construction of a unique melodic narrative an admittedly difficult endeavor (just ask Haydn), I found myself expecting more from a man whose name is almost synonymous with musical perfection. Though, perhaps I was disappointed by a myth and not a man.

Pretend, for a second, that Milos Forman’s Oscar-winning epic Amadeus had starred Josh Hutcherson and Sam Worthington instead of Tom Hulce and F. Murray Abraham, and you’ll have a good idea of the kind of flat, humorless composition this is. If “Marriage of Figaro” were a Formula One car making unexpected hairpin turns through narrow city streets and shattering ear drums with its unmuffled engine, “For the Recovered Health of Ophelia” is a self-driving Prius made by Google that always uses its blinker and rarely leaves the right lane.

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I could have waited 200 more years for this disappointment. 2.4/10.


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.

Image via screengrab.