Completely Reasonable Man Tries to Kill Spider, Burns Down His House

A very frightened man in Seattle burned down the house he was renting when he tried to kill a spider with a makeshift blowtorch. I can't say that this is the best way to do things, but I also can't disagree with his stance.*

The man, who remains unidentified, tried to murder the spider in the laundry room of the home he (the man, not the spider) shares with his mother. Unfortunately, the way he chose to go about it was all wrong. When you intend to kill a spider, you must either step on it or scare it so it goes into the wall and you don't have to worry about it anymore (because it's the ghosts' problem now!). Instead, and here's probably why he's unidentified, the man took a can of spray paint and a lighter and used them together like he was in a late 90s point-and-click adventure. The spider is now presumably dead, but so is the unidentified man's home. Also: Why would you use spray paint? Even if you killed the spider, you would still paint your walls in the process. Was he already planning to paint and decided to kill two spiders with one blowtorch or was he planning to use the paint to show people exactly where and how the spider died. "You see that dick-looking drawing near the washing machine? Yup, that's where I got him. That's where that mean little fucker drew his last fucking breath, I tell you what."

The flames caused $60,000 worth of damage but both residents of the home appear to be okay. The red cross is currently helping them with their situation.

*Noted spider-hater Lindy West would like everyone here to know that she stands with the unidentified man and hopes that the tag #istandwithblowtorch trends on Twitter. When told that this was probably a little unwieldy for a hashtag, her response was a hearty "FUCK SPIDERS AND THE WEB THEY CRAWLED IN ON!"

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