Screengrab via Facebook.

Apparently this rooster is an “asshole,” but given what I know about both roosters and assholes, I have to say that I respectfully disagree.

Via Mashable, here is the sad tale of a rooster who certainly looks like an asshole but really just acts like a cock. “FREE to good home. Well, any home really. At this point I don’t give a shit what kind of home this inconsiderate jerk goes to: ASSHOLE ROOSTER,” writes Dennell McCaul in a lengthy Facebook screed that denigrates this animal for merely deigining to exist as nature intended.

McCaul continues:

He’s the perfect rooster if your alarm is broken and you need to be awake at 5:30 a.m. That is his only setting, 5:30. He has no snooze button but will be quiet just long enough for you to fall back to sleep and then he’ll start back up with his obnoxious cock-a-doodle-doing right outside of your windows.

Again — I am not a poultry expert, but something tells me that this is kind of what a rooster does. That “something,” by the way, is Smithsonian Magazine and I believe them more than I do myself about most things.

Carrying on:

He is also a perfect rooster if you want to start running... around your yard... while you’re trying to get away from him. He no longer goes after me as he is also an instructor of interpretive dance. Or at least that’s what I imagine it looked like as I went after him flapping my arms, jumping up and down, kicking at him, yelling and screaming, and swinging a mop in his direction. So, if you’re looking for an alarm clock with the only setting being 5:30 a.m., a personal trainer and a dance instructor, I have the perfect rooster that is able to fill all 3 of those positions FOR FREE! But you’re coming out to catch this asshole, I want to see your first interpretive dance lesson.

“McCaul’s post lays it all out, in case you’ve been looking for a pet from hell,” Mashable concludes, though I’m pretty sure this goddamn rooster isn’t actually terrible, but is just a normal animal living his life. Listen here, lady: maybe if you didn’t run after the rooster with a mop, he wouldn’t be so salty?

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Free the cock, I say, but only because he’s living a life in captivity at the hands of a master that doesn’t understand him and needs desperately to be free.