Now that Lindsay Lohan's body is a sacred, booze-free temple of sobriety and prudence, she has plenty of energy left to snark on Kristen Stewart's acting talents. During a much-hyped hosting stint on Chelsea Lately (which will air tomorrow night, August 5), Lohan poked fun at K-Stew's recent paparazzi run-in, which ended with the Twilight star telling one particular paparazzo, "You're a piece of shit and don't deserve to breathe the same air that I do." And the punchline, as uttered by our faithful host: "I'm just excited that Kristen Stewart finally showed some emotion." Waka, Waka!

Apparently, the gig went pretty well for newly-sober Lindz, who's going completely booze-less with the support of her mom, Dina. The star-crossed actress even insisted her Chelsea Lately dressing room be stocked only with alcohol-free beverages, like Squeeze-It and Mondo. [EW TV]

  • Concerned citizen crime watchers helped police arrest a 43-year-old dude who attempted to burgle a home belonging to rap and country music mélange Kid Rock in suburban Detroit. [CBS]
  • Some would-be Bling Ring copycats tried to rob Paris Hilton's Malibu beach house last weekend, but failed in a pretty unspectacular way. [TMZ]
  • Could Hugh Grant really replace outgoing-Doctor Who Matt Smith? You'll just have to watch the live telecast of the BBC's Doctor Who 50th anniversary celebration/Doctor Who draft to find out. [Guardian]
  • Lea Michele made her first public appearance since the death of Glee co-star Corey Monteith, and seemed to be coping nicely. [E!]
  • Rats! Or, mice! The blurry pictures of what appear to be rodents scuttling in the restaurant and on the patio at Lady Gaga's papa's New York restaurant Joanne Trattoria could also really be of Borrowers disguising themselves with animal pelts because we humans are not supposed to peer into their secret, diminutive world. At any rate, diners saw some form of vermin on July 31, the very same day owner Joe Germanotta tweeted a picture of his newly-regained 'A' health status, courtesy of the New York health department. [Radar]
  • You guys, Ke$ha isn't nearly as dirty as everyone seems to think. Far from it! She showers four times a day, and told the British magazine Heat, "I would live in the ocean if I could," because nothing is cleaner than the ocean, the perfect environment for scrubbing out ke¢hup stains. [Belfast Telegraph]
  • While he looks for a permanent home, Kelly Ripa sidekick and Subway sandwich enthusiast Michael Strahan is paying an estimated $100,000 per month to live in a $20 million Beverly Hills mansion. #sorrynotsorry #yolo #noregretsplaylikeachampionbro [TMZ]
  • Jermaine Dupri is dealing with loan troubles because his bank is run by Scrooge McDuck. [TMZ]
  • Christian Bale is losing all of his American Hustle poundage by walking briskly to Starbucks dressed like a homeless sitar player, sans sitar. [Livedoor]
  • Elle Macpherson married billionaire Jeffrey Soffer in Fiji because life only gets more awesome for beautiful, wealthy people and less awesome for uggo, poor folk. [Us]
  • Teresa Palmer, of Warm Bodies fame, got engaged to fellow actor Mark Webber. [E!]
  • Almost two months since he was last seen in public, Prince Philip will be resuming his public duties as national eye candy for superannuated Britons. [Telegraph]
  • Erstwhile Scientologist Leah Remini will write a tell-all memoir about egg painting. No, wait — Scientology, that's what the memoir will be about. Maybe a little egg painting, you ask, suddenly hopeful that someone will finally reveal the secret to a perfect color blend? No, nothing about egg painting. Not. One. Thing. [Us]
  • Sally Struthers FINALLY got her DUI court date. It's set for September 23, so find a way to busy yourself until then. [AP]
  • In case you haven't watched A Place Beyond the Pines, you can now just look at the frames in which Ryan Gosling strips to his junk-snuggling underpants. [Buzzfeed]

Image via Getty, Michael Buckner