Earlier this week, it was reported that Nicole Kidman would be joining the second season of Jane Campion’s Top of the Lake in an “undisclosed part.” To fans of the show—even ones like myself who were underwhelmed by its conclusion—this was a reason to be excited. Though her recent successes are few and far between, Kidman is a fierce presence when paired with the right director and screenplay, and I’m excited to see what she brings to this role.

Advertisement

Just look at her! That gray hair. Those faux freckles. A glance that says, “Oi, is that a dead body?” Below are some of my predictions for Kidman’s introductory line in the series. Scroll through them! Read them aloud in your best Muriel voice! And, by all means, feel free to add your own predictions in the comments.


  1. “The hell do you want?”
  2. “Mitchell I’ve left the groceries in the car, could you run out and—[she gasps]—Mitchell! Mitchell! Get Benny on the line!”
  3. “The body was found on my property, and I want it removed immediately. The stench is already foulin’ up my kitchen.”
  4. “That ‘wench’ has a name. It’s Ellen Thomas. Pleasure to meet you.”
  5. “What now?”
  6. “So you’re the one everyone’s talking about. The little troublemaker who reminds everyone of me. Well listen up, detective. I don’t see it. You’re nothing like me, and you’d better thank god for that.”
  7. “Close the door.”
  8. [She slaps a young teen.] “I need you to quit your tears and listen. I need you to listen more carefully than you’ve ever listened before in your life, so open your ears and you keep ‘em wide until I tell you to run. You’re gonna get on your bike and you’re gonna ride to Wallabadah, and you’re not to talk to anyone on the way there. You’re not gonna stop. You’re not gonna slow down. You’re gonna ride all the way in town to this address. You’re gonna ring the doorbell and someone’s gonna let you in. And then you’re gonna wait. You’re gonna wait until I show up. Now run.”
  9. “I’m comin! I’m comin!”
  10. “You’d better have a good reason for calling this late.”
  11. “Before we get started, I just want to thank our new neighbors for coming to dinner. I don’t know if you’re a church-going bunch, but just so you know, I’ve never been one to say grace before a meal. What’s on this table wasn’t put here by god, it was put here by us. By me and Harry. Billy and Annabelle. We created this meal—no one but us—and we’re happy to share it. Now. Let’s eat.”
  12. “Is this your dog?”
  13. “Who the hell let you in the house?”
  14. “I’d like to report a body...Yes, it’s dead...64 Russell St.”
  15. “Look up there. Past the fence and up the hill, just before the horizon. See that little discolored nub of land? You know why it looks different? You know why it looks like it shouldn’t be there? Because it shouldn’t.”
  16. “I’ll be judge of that.”
  17. “Let’s hurry this up, shall we? I’ve got plenty of business to tend to today that doesn’t involve wasting time.”
  18. “You must be Robin.”
  19. “A bit early for that, isn’t it?”
  20. “That’s because I didn’t give it to you.”