Lessons From The Web's Foremost Authority On Banging Rich Married Guys

Earn The Necklace is a website by and for women who have the following in common: 1- They have internet connections 2- They use those internet connections to swap stories of dating older, rich, and usually married men. It’s a shitshow. I’m obsessed.

Earn The Necklace, if you haven’t figured it out, refers to touching a wealthy old guy in the penis nice enough that he eventually buys you things. This isn’t prostitution because he doesn’t hand you cash directly in exchange for doing little more than putting out, plus there might be mouth kissing, which Pretty Woman teaches us that prostitutes don’t do, even when they’re making the sex with Rich Men. So, to review: being a “sugar baby” is not the same as prostitution because it just isn’t, okay?!

Whatever it is and whatever you call it, the “confessions” of sugar babies are kind of deliciously addictive. For example, in “How I Was Able to Snag A Rich Older Man With A Simple Look,” the author recounts going out looking for rich men while at the Kentucky Derby with her rich husband (who was planning on divorcing her) because she would wake up at night with panic attacks about not being able to ride around on a private jet (she wore a tight pink sequined top in order to get the man’s attention). In “How A Stranger’s Lip Gloss Cost My Husband $26,000,” the very same woman from the Derby recounts a story of how, when she was on the private jet of her married lover (the one she met playing blackjack at the Kentucky Derby), she told him about how she discovered her husband was cheating on her with a stripper, and so she got revenge by going to that stripper’s strip club with her husband’s credit card and charging $26,000 worth of strippercize services on it (doesn’t… that mean that the Other Woman gets a lot of money? I’m confused). In another story, a woman’s husband discovers that she’s been running around with a rich guy who bought her a Givenchy dress and then she convinces her husband to let her keep the dress because it’s so beautiful and he could never buy her one. In another, a woman reflects on the busy schedule of her rich, older lover “what with his ball team and all,” like she’s an unfrozen stone age women who doesn’t understand modernity or “sport-games” or going outside and looking at things.

Are the stories real? My spidey sense says that’s debatable, as every story reads like it started out as Twilight fanfiction written on a Blackberry that never got a book deal; the Fifty Shades of Green the world doesn’t need. And if the “confessions” on Earn the Necklace are real — God help us. All characters in the stories are reprehensible monsters and there aren’t even any good sex scenes. It’s not even cotton candy for the intellect; it’s circus peanuts (you eat one and you’re like, WHY AM I EATING THIS?!, but then you keep eating).

At least ETN provides a home for all the truly weird stock images that seem destined to languish unused on photo service websites, the ones that star models that appear to have been trafficked in from far-flung lands and imprisoned in large white rooms with only cheesy lingerie, cowboy hats, a string of pearls, frosted lip gloss, and a buttload of fake long stemmed roses. For lunch they eat bananas in slow motion. For dinner they are hand fed pieces of chocolate by gloved, disembodied butler hands.