Lesbian, teen, stepmom, MILF, squirt. Lesbian, teen, stepmom, MILF, squirt. These aren’t just the perfect list of words for meditative chanting, but rather the top porn search terms typed stickily in by millennials, according to Pornhub. Viewed beside the next top five terms—mom, step sister, Japanese, threesome, massage—and it appears that being chill and progressive hasn’t stopped Millennials from keeping their erotic subtext heavily family-oriented.
Over at Mic, Nicolas DiDomizio rounds up the data-69 they did with Pornhub as to better understand how the kids rub one out these days. Not surprisingly, those now aged 18 to 34 comprise about 60 percent of Pornhub’s viewers, while the other 40 percent are dead as far as we care.
- Millennials watch most of their porn between the twitching hour of 11 p.m. and midnight, whereas old people, obviously, need that sleep to live.
- Under-34s watch the least porn on Saturday, presumably because they have actual people to get out there and try to fuck. Or at least friends to see and to sometimes fuck, and then not be with. You know how they are: Always not having that much sex with people they can’t decide if they like enough to make plans with.
- Monday, fun day! The most popular day of the week for 18-to-34 year olds to watch porn is Monday. I believe—through sheer, un-researched and unfounded speculation—that this is because you have the worst sex of your life between the ages of 18 and 34, and that most of that bad sex happens on the weekend. So come Monday, come. Like you know you need to. It’s basic self-care.
- Millennials reach the promise land of orgasm one minute and five seconds sooner than older generations, who, it’s safe to say, just need some time, okay?
- Dudes still have the monopoly on porn at 76 percent of PH’s viewers, while women make up that other 24 percent, and I’m sure feel very bad about it.
- Some 60 percent of Millennials watch porn on their phones rather than a laptop or desktop, which makes perfect sense because a phone is the easiest thing to hurl across the room in disgust the moment after you have an orgasm and can’t believe what you were just looking at. You know what I always say: Shame-based avoidance and/or disgust is the mother of invention.
But let’s get down to brass tacks and take a closer look at those search terms again:
Lesbians and teens continue to hold the first and second slots, as they have for decades; no other group can surpass the searchable charm of any teenager, anywhere, regardless, except two women expressing sexual affection. Perhaps the “lesbian teen” search will one day combine and knock the other two out of the running, but until then, stay strong, ladies.
Though it’s hopeful to see that stepmoms are third on this list, not for the often thankless work they do trying to seamlessly fit into a new family, but for their fuckability—and that, what’s more, they’ve surpassed the MILF. I suppose stepmoms are a kind of mom you want to fuck, anyway just not that kind. And I have to point out that trad moms are yet again are yet again undervalued, falling to a lowly sixth place. Let’s make this up on Mother’s Day, shall we? Is there a card for that? Sorry I didn’t search for you on Pornhub this year, mom, but I promise to try to remember someday soon in the future.
And now to squirt. Look, I don’t want to spoil anything, but I attended a shoot once with porn actors, who told me that in 99 percent of all situations, the squirting you see in any porn is pee. Don’t quote me on it.
Stepsisters get a bad rap.
The Japanese are a lovely people, to be sure, but are they lovelier than, say, the French? What about the Romanians? The next time you’re on Pornhub, maybe try searching for some other ethnicity just to switch up the ranks here and give someone else a shot, so to speak?
Threesomes are among the lamest, most awkward things you could ever do with your time. I totally get why this is a porn thing, because no rational person would ever do it in real life.
Millennials are also way more into porn categories such as cosplay, hentai, pov, anime and “emo” (shrug) than older generations, who are currently wondering what all that stuff is, anyway.
In conclusion, everything is precisely as it should be. And seriously, Millennials, don’t be embarrassed of your search terms. For what it’s worth, all porn search terms are mortifying. If your porn search history were ever exposed, it would be at least as bad as your Google search history. What does a non-embarrassing porn search history even look like? Like this, maybe:
- “sex between two people who seem pretty into it, each other”
- “sex where the woman is really into. But like really, not fake”
- “sex where the guy looks just like my husband and not that guy I have a crush on, swear”
- “two solid 8s doin’ it”
- “the first sex you have after you fall in love but when you’re still like super lustful”
- “normal sex without me having to define normal, jesus, don’t you know what normal is”
- “two virgins giving it their best try”
- “consensual, respectful sex between two adults”
- “in low lighting”
- “real gentle”
- “not too noisy or boisterous”
- “from behind, in that one spot, you know the one”
- “complimentary dirty talk”
- “wearing tasteful lingerie”
- “with a glass of water by the bed”
- “first time he wears a suit sex”
- “vacation sex”
- “paid off your car sex”
- “sturdy bed sex”
- “couch sex with a towel down”
- “tried to do it in the car but gave up”
- “and got ice cream instead”
- “three beer sex”
- “ran into my ex earlier”
- “you look really pretty today”
- “we’re both pretty tired but this will help us get to sleep”
And if you’re feeling really transgressive, “socks are OFF sex.”
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Image via Fox/The Girl Next Door