I was a teenager when Romeo and Juliet came out, primed by Tiger Beat and pulsing hormones to lose my mind over the next slender, hairless blue-eyed heartthrob pointed at me by Hollywood. But when I first saw Leonardo DiCaprio I felt...nothing.

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I watched him get all dressed up in a fancy suit for Rose in Titanic, and was baffled as to why this grown-looking woman with a glorious red mane was chasing a barely pubescent boy. I wouldn’t fuck Leonardo DiCaprio in a car or on a boat or in a car on a boat. He just wasn’t hot!

This argument is not a reflection on my own level of attractiveness. I do not believe I am “hotter” than Leonardo DiCaprio, who is not hot. We say now that Leo has gotten gross, but he was always kind of gross, just marketed as a non-threatening fantasy to young girls figuring out what it even meant to want someone. It made him a star. I have been complacent with that lie since 1996, and I’ll do it no longer. I will go down with the S.S. Not A Hottie. Let the band play.

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Also, when Leonardo DiCaprio has sex with women, he wears headphones. That is the most disgusting consensual act I can imagine.