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Today Broadly introduces us to a segment of humanity so perverse I almost flopped straight off my fainting couch: Fruitarians, whose most extreme practitioners eat almost nothing but raw fruit. That’s fucking terrible.


Fruit is fine. Good, even. A ripe plumb in the heat of summer? Sign me up. A banana after working out? I will eat that, yes. I will eat those fruits in between fistfuls of fried butter drenched with melted cheese, because eating disgustingly is one of the few pleasures that even the Devil himself can’t pry from my hands (they’re too slick with grease for him to get a good grip).

Listen to this wisenheimer:


“I’ve experienced fantastic health and vitality since adopting a fruitarian diet,” writes ultra-marathoner and Woodstock Fruit Festival admin Michael Arnstein on his blog the Fruitarian. “I’ve become almost super-human when compared to the standard population in both physical, mental, and emotional strengths.” Arnstein eats 25 to 30 pounds of fruit a day to maintain his energy levels, claiming his diet has made him immune to illness and allowed him to excel as an elite runner.

Are delusions of excellence one of the side effects? Because your little diet almost killed Ashton Kutcher, who was hospitalized after trying to emulate the wack eating habits of Steve Jobs. (A famous fruitarian.) Wouldn’t you have felt like a dick!

Maybe Kutcher is a little man-tissue who can’t handle the rigors of the fruitarian lifestyle? Not so, say nutritionists, who confirm that eating nothing but one rung of the food ladder or whatever we call it these days does not a balanced diet make.


Fruitarians often experience these symptoms. “Fruitarians often have low levels of vitamin B12, calcium, vitamin D, iodine, and omega-3 fatty acids, which can lead to anemia, fatigue, and a weak immune system,” says Lisa DeFazio, a certified registered dietician, cookbook author, and health expert. “When you eliminate vitamins, fats, and proteins, your body goes into starvation mode, which slows down your metabolism to conserve energy.”

Stop this noxious trend, for it is unhealthy and insane. Two to four servings is fine.