Kim Kardashian's New Perfume Smells Like Preteen Sexual Curiosity, and Other Atrocities

Kim K’s nude bod holds court in our office Image:Megan Reynolds

Upon learning that Kim Kardashian West was making a perfume based on her idea of what her own nude, oiled bod smells like, I was skeptical. What did that even mean? But the audacity of confidence required to market and create a perfume based on that concept is quite impressive, and despite myself, I was curious to see if this celebrity fragrance would smell like anything other than fruit chemicals and loud-ass flowers. So I ordered it.

KKW Body by KKW Beauty arrived Thursday at the Jezebel office in a black box that dramatically unfurled to reveal the main attraction: a headless, armless torso rendered in hefty, gritty, concrete-esque material in the exact contours of Kim Kardashian West’s body—a body that I have now seen so many times in the nude that I might know it more than my own. The bottle is quite the objet—hard to put down and strangely compelling and slightly offensive. Perhaps this is the point; seeing as the liquid contained within is unremarkable, all your $60 really pays for is a Gaultier Classique-adjacent vessel that is decidedly obscene. Anyway you hold the bottle, your finger inadvertently brushes against the teensy nipples present on the breasts. Please. No thank you. Why?

The scent, to my untrained nose, is a Limited Too body spray that shoots glitter and is so strong that you can taste it after one gingerly-administered spritz. Officially, the notes are a dizzying cornucopia of everything a perfume could possibly be, from a heavy-ass Oriental to the elsuive chypre.

It is a scream rather than a whisper. There is no discernible musk nor the mysterious “moheli orpur.” In its stead, screeching fruits and a hint of soapiness—a scent that goes hand in hand with Kim before Kanye Kondoed her closet of everything loud, furry, and fun. One spritz on my arm lasted for longer than I would’ve liked. Eventually the entire pod smelled of Kim’s Body, mingling with the stuffy air of our workspace and requiring us to eventually activate the small aromatherapy diffuser, which pumped cleansing tea tree scent into the air. “I feel ill,” someone whispered. “I hate this.”

Who buys this? Who is it for? What day better than to assault my coworkers with the presumed scent of Kim Kardashian West’s nude body than an unseasonably warm Thursday? Below, the thoughts of a motley assemblage of Jezebel employees on eau du Kim.

Ashely Reese, Staff Writer

It’s forgettable! Reminds me of something I’d think smelled nice in middle school! Also, the bottle reminds me of a vaporwave music video!

Chelsea Beck, Illustrator

After I got past the fact that I was spraying myself with her literal severed neck stump, I thought it was fine. Slightly better than Bath and Body works, mostly smelled like inoffensive soap.

Clover Hope, Culture Editor

It smells like a scandalous mixture of Curve and those Welch’s fruit snacks or like something all the girls in high school would share and use after gym class.

overly floral, kind of shitty, ridiculous

Danielle Belton, Editor-in-Chief, The Root

Kim’s cologne smells and looks like something a 13-year-old would be very impressed by, someone just coming into their own and learning what works and what doesn’t, much like experimenting with Love’s Baby Soft back in the ‘70s and ‘80s or any of the many celebrity drug store perfumes akin to Britney Spears various concoctions—overly floral, kind of shitty, ridiculous, audacious packaging. But if I was a child who was curious about sex and didn’t know any better this would be hot in my junior high streets. Alas, because I would be a wee one, I would not be able to afford the $60 price tag, so I’d have to deal with the embarrassment of asking my mom for it. (My mom probably wouldn’t have bought it.) Anyway, Kim screwed up. She totally could have had middle school on lock.

Ecleen Caraballo, Social Media Editor

My first thought was, “Oh, this isn’t bad.” Now, five minutes later, the scent is still lingering & I’m pretty sure I can feel it invading my insides and making my allergies go wild. So, just a bittt too strong for my liking.

Ellie Shechet, Senior Writer

This is how I believed a woman should smell when I was not yet a woman and also how I believed my body would definitely look.

Hazel Cills, Pop Culture Reporter

I like that it’s musky and that it smells more like a cologne than something lighter and more flowery. That said, it also smells like something i’d find in a Hollister in 2007.

Joanna Rothkopf, Senior Editor

I thought this perfume was going to smell like a body, but it actually smells like a 2003 shopping mall. I enjoyed the little Venus of Willendorf bottle.

It smells like 2006

Julianne Escobedo Shepherd, Deputy Editor

Kim says that this is what she smells like, but she doesn’t specify which era. I think this is the Kim K scent of when she modeled for Ed Hardy and dressed every day like she was planning on hitting up Club Liv that night. It smells like a going-out top, and the mall where one would procure it. It smells like 2006, Kool-Aid, *NSYNC’s hair products, Victoria’s Secret body spray and a corporate orchid. It smells like the Forum Shops at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Katie McDonough, Senior Editor

Smells like the Sour Patch Kids I was eating when I tried to smell it.

Koa Beck, Editor-in-Chief

Truly all I have to say: It smells like knock-off Chanel.

Rich Juzwiak, Senior Writer

This smells cheap, like a powdery version of Debbie Gibson’s late ‘80s drugstore staple Electric Youth. (No offense to anyone).